So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting surgery to get a tummy tuck to get a flatter stomach. People are making me really think about it and tell me I have to really know whether I want to have more kids or not- I honestly don’t see myself having anymore kids because I feel like the first pregnancy scarred me emotionally so I am steering away from the whole baby on board idea. But since I’ve been on a few dates with Tank I can honestly see having another baby and maybe it wouldn’t be the same experience I’ve had the first time. Maybe with each guy it could be different/ if I find me a guy who actually cares and loves me I won’t get treated like shit as I did the first time I was pregnant. I notice I keep holding on to the past and I gotta let it go- not every guy is the same as my ex and they won’t all give me a bad experience in babies and pregnancy. Whether it’s Tank or Bill yum or even the new guy or none of these guys…. I need to stay open minded not to compare the past with the present and future. I need to open my mind and heart to the possibilities that hey I am still of birthing age and hey maybe having a brother or sister for my daughter in the future wouldn’t be so bad. So I guess tummY tuck you will have to wait until my eggs are all dried out and no more.
Not sure wether or not there would be so many sexcapades on here. I’ll deff post some older ones that I haven’t posted yet-
but I think I’m at the point where I’m getting to know the guys by dating And less and less sex type things.
I want a good guy and i want to have someone to call my own
so I gotta stop the sleeping around and hookups that don’t last.
So not sure how many followers wanna read about finding love versus sexual stories- but Sierras Sexcapades is turning into something a little different.
Many of my blogs will be about my search for love and will be more of a dating search and find versus sex experiences.
Maybe I’m maturing and growing up so my blog is changing with me.
Hope you guys continue to follow and check out my blogs.
My explorations of dating and finding love.
This will be a blog within a blog-
Enjoy and stay tuned.
So Bill yum is still in the picture and he’s my random dating guy- fuck me good- long distance lover guy- he’s still living far away from me and he rarely comes to philly to see me other than when he’s up here for Army weekends.
He messaged me today and sent me the most arousing sexy photo of himself in a towel that was half covering his body and covered up his male part.
Oh my lawd it caught me off guard and I was smiling and grinning from ear to ear also blushing. I text him back and tell him how fucking sexy he looks. He says he doesn’t believe me and doesn’t think he’s sexy. Yea right how’s he not know? I wondered to myself.
So anyway we are supposed to hang out sometime this month I think around St.Pattys day and im looking forward to it-
I’d really like to spend the night At his house again but not sure when I’d be back up that way- if at all any time soon.
I know it’s not gonna go anywhere with Bill yum but I guess I’m clinging on to the past-
idk maybe hoping for a future but not sure what the future holds if there is one for us.
These long distance things are the most difficult- I feel like even being like 30 mins away from someone is difficult cause you don’t know what they could be doing or who they are seeing. Take the situation with Don- he lives in a different neighborhood then me and I always felt like what is he doing or who is he seeing from the distance between us).
Or maybe that’s where my trust issues come into play and I just am on guard that any guy I am with is out to lie and cheat on me, so trust is hard for me to have.
When I think of an ideal boyfriend for me, he’d live in the same city and at least the same neighborhood just so maybe it would put my mind at ease a bit on the whole cheating thing-
but when you think about it if a guys gonna cheat- he will no matter how close or far he lives from you.
Just a rant of thoughts.
Thanks for listening.
So I met this other guy- we will name him Joe. I actually met him through being on Instagram together. And we just started texting and talking. I don’t know if this would go anywhere but I like to have my options open because why not?
I’m not a girlfriend to any man yet so I can date around and see who I am into and who could possibly be the one for me- or at least just someone to spend time with and have a little fun with.
Never really liked dating and found it to be quite difficult for guys to even approach me- but with the rise of social media sites I’m having better luck.
Who knows if the guys I meet though are genuinely nice guys or assholes- but I guess like they say, ” you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.” Let the kissing begin.
I do eventually wanna be cuffed and have a man all to myself- so it’s time to play this game and seek out a trustworthy good guy for me.
On to the dating world and hopefully not just fucking and sucking around.
Update I never took things further with This guy because for one he was too young for me and he was a bit annoying.
I think he just wanted the pussy and he came off to strong
So I went out with Tank again last night and at first it was a bit awkward cause we didn’t have much to talk about, besides the military- which to me gets boring really quickly. He tells me what’s been going on at the unit and how this it that changed, in all honesty I don’t care or wanna hear about it but I know you have to show interest in what a guy is talking about anyway. So I listen on and make some comments but that was it. We head out to get dinner and go to the Olive Garden- it was cool I ordered a margarita and felt like getting blasted but I didn’t and I controlled myself. He was smiling ear to ear the entire date. And constantly telling me how beautiful I am. Was really liking the attention, I don’t think I’d ever had a guy so into me the way he’s into me. And I can’t say it’s about the amazing sex game I have- because we haven’t had sex yet! I know it’s crazy, we decided we’re gonna wait in the sex stuff until we know each other more. It’s a challenge for me because I feel like the addiction sometimes controls me but I feel like maybe he was placed in my life to control my addiction.
But anyway so we ate dinner and had light conversation at the restaurant then headed back to his hotel room to watch movies.
The last time we hung out at his hotel we fooled around but no sex, just dry humping and kissing- a lot of kissing and holding each other- which To my surprise I was able to contain myself and not hump up all over him as he lay in bed. It’s odd I can’t explain it- and it’s not like I’m not physically attracted to him cause I am- but I feel like he genuinely is a nice guy and I don’t wanna ruin things with him.
So as we’re fooling around I go down and start sucking his dick- the last time I saw him I also sucked his dick- but to my surprise this time his dick was bigger- maybe he wasn’t as aroused last time or something- idk. But all I can say is he was really into what I was doing to him. He was moaning and saying aww shit that feels great. Which made me even more aroused, love when guys are vocal and I know they are enjoying it. I told him I’m going to please him and for him to just sit back and relax as I go wild on his dick sucking and licking. Then I climb on top throw my titties in his face and dry hump the shit out if him.
As much as I feel weird about the fact we aren’t banging- I kinda like the fact that we aren’t banging yet. So as we lay cuddled up I mention hat we should talk more to get to know each other. And let’s talk about things besides the military- so we start sharing our fears and what makes us happy and childhood stories. It was nice just laying there with him talking. I ended up staying the night with him as I lay in his arms and felt so safe and warm.
At one moment he asks me how I get guys so mesmerized by me, and wanting me so badly. He was telling me about how he thinks about me often when he’s home and he dreams about me- I’m at this point blushing and thinking wow he really likes me. I don’t really have a response other then I’m a cool chick and it could be from the bomb ass head too I give. I say that jokingly and he smiles so big. I’m not used to this, and the way he wants to treat me like a real woman, he says I want to treat you like a queen. We also sit side by side and he holds my hands and starts talking about how marriage should be lifelong and how when he gets married it will be forever…. in like damn he’s that into me he wants to marry me already. Guess I got it like that- but honestly once I get to know him more and as I do I wouldn’t mind having him around longer. I like him and for the first time ever I want to know him more and don’t feel like running the opposite direction because things could get serious. I think it’s my time to get serious with someone and settled down find me a good man who would treat me right. But I guess I will have to see what the future holds- as of right now he still lives in Maryland and I in Pennsylvania so don’t know how well that will play out. Just hoping for the best and what ever is meant to be, will be.
So I made a decision on what to do
So I’m gonna continue to see Tank when I do but also occasionally get fucked by Bill Yum.
I’m not in a relationship with either guy so why should I limit myself or feel bad about seeing both of them.
And honestly I’ll only see them once in a while so it’s not that big of a deal.
I need to get fucked and it sucks that I can’t see these guys sooner
I’m going out with Tank Saturday to dinner and probably going to stay the night to watch movies at his hotel. Not sure if I’m going to fuck him or not honestly, maybe I’ll just have him eat my pussy since I haven’t had that done to me in a very long time. The last time that happened, I was seeing the white guy I met online. So I think I’ll do a littLe foreplay and that’s about it- cause I honestly don’t wanna fuck it up by having sex to quickly with him if it could be more. As far as Bill yum goes I’ll be seeing him around march 18th- not sure what we plan on doing yet.
So I’m a bit torn about what to do about the guys who are in my life currently. Well I’ve been texting and talking to Tank on the phone for a few weeks now and it seems like he’s a cool guy and it might go somewhere with him, I’m not 100% sure due to the fact he lives so far away- and I know how my first long distance thing went.
And here is Bill-Yum he texted me the other day, saying where have you been stranger, and wanted to know why I haven’t kept in touch with him since we hung out a week or so ago.
Don has been texting me also and wants to spend time with me…. but honestly I think I should be over him. For the fact I don’t trust him and what he may be doing with other females and I think he’s back to dealing drugs, which I can’t involve myself with since I am pursuing my dreams of becoming a social worker who wants to work wirh military members with PTSD-
Yes I had a revelation all while my love life and relationships have been a mess.. I’ve been nonstop focused on my career path and come to the realization that I want to work in group therapy with service members with PTSD and other combat related stress disorders. I want to help them change themselves and help them find healthy ways to cope with the horrors that they have witnessed.
So as I go through this constant battle of who I want to keep in my life romantically- I have been driven to stay focused on my career and have been learning more about myself and how to become the best social worker possible.
Anyway off topic just wanted to share my revelation.
So my ordeal is the fact that I am talking to both Bill-yum and Tank and I’m feeling guilty like I shouldn’t although it’s not official with either one yet.
Back in the day – I was a huge player and didn’t mind having a few dudes lined up, but now I feel funny about it. I mean why should I? Bill yum told me he was seeing “one” other female besides me and he is a long distance every once in a couple months type thing. And Tank said he’s single, is really into me, but we are still at the beginning stages so I don’t know if I trust him yet or believe that he is single and telling me the truth.
He also lives so many miles away so if he was to cheat or have multiple girlfriends- I wouldn’t know anyway because of the distance between us.
Wondering if it’s all in my head, this guy drama I am constantly dealing with.
I wonder what I do that has me stuck in this loop of failed relationships, failed attempts at relationships and getting stuck in friends with benefit situations.
I wonder why at almost 34 years old- now divorced it’s so difficult for me to actually date a guy.
I feel out of place, I am clueless as to what to do, what to say, what to ask to get to know someone else on that level.
Why is it so difficult for me to start over? When I have been ready or so I think for the last 5 years? Wondering if my addiction just hid the reality of maybe I’m just not emotionally capable or ready for long term with a guy.
I know initially this post was about the guys involved in my life right now but I’m at war with myself/ as always and I wonder what i am doing wrong when I can’t have long term relationships with Guys- when I know tons of females who meet a guy, go through the stages of dating and are now in healthy long term commitments with them. Wondering what I Ain’t doing right to lead me to that point of Hey mom here’s, Jamal or Tyrone, or whoever.
Thanks for listening and following.