For the first time in a long time I made love to a man- and I cried… because I was full of emotions.
Well it just so happens to be my husband who I’ve been separated from the last 5 years! Yea crazy huh? 5 years separation- guess we needed our time apart to grow and learn more about ourselves and how to be better towards one another- idk honestly.
But the last few months we got to finally talking and we’re actually friendly with each other. I act like I don’t care when he talks about girls who didn’t work out- when really yea I do and still missed him through all the bs he was putting me through these last years. Although we put each other through hell these last years- when we were together it felt real- it felt like we didn’t skip a beat- like we didn’t just miss the last years together in different worlds. We hugged, kissed caressed each other’s bodies, I moaned a lot!! He did also and he thrusted me so softly and with love. This was the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like I was just having sex to have sex- I was making real love to my husband- a husband I didn’t give a chance to be a real husband. No faking anything these nights- no faking emotions or faking enjoyment
We were only married a year before we split so it wasn’t much time at all and from what I remember I was never home and always with friends and family instead of him- at home with my husband like I should’ve been. I don’t blame just him in our failed marriage- I blame me as well and now I see why he did certain things that he did when our daughter was younger. I understand and know that I would’ve acted the same way- so here we are we made love- I cried and got emotional and he told me he loved me. I love him too but didn’t say it the first night we were together- I ended up saying it the third day- after we spent the whole weekend doing family things with our daughter. We laid side by side on the bed watching movies and it just felt like it was meant to be. It felt like that’s where I belong. So now we are on this cross road because yea our divorce will be finalized soon- apparently if the lawyer actually worked on it finally and now I feel saddened for the fact that I will no longer be his wife- where do we go from here or there if it goes through-? Do we stop trying to get to know each other again and let it go? Or ride it out and see where it goes- and see if maybe down the road actually get married differently. At this point I’m just full of so many emotions and I’m not sure. All I know is I miss him- I had a glimpse of our life together as a family and I loved it. I loved laying with him in bed and waking up to him in the morning, and talking to him all night till the sun comes up. I miss the things we did- and reminiscing about our past and our happiness made me happy. Honestly right now I miss him in general- so we are telling our daughter we are becoming friends and I’m trying so hard to hold back me wanting to kiss him as I long to when I see him- or to just hold his hand. It’s weird maybe I should seek counsel for this- but I feel like I never stopped loving him but only suppressed my feelings and spun out of control with other men instead- out of confusion or hurt or maybe just guilt that I didn’t try hard enough to make it work- maybe I should’ve stayed and we could’ve worked through by counseling instead of me running to my family. I really don’t know. But now I feel like I wanna be back in his life and now it’ll be hard to explain it to my family- who hate him and who think I also hate him. I wanna just do what I think is best for me but don’t wanna lose family over it- although he is my family- well he’s still my husband until the divorce is final. I’m jut so confused and feel like I’m in an emotional roller coaster right now.
Guess it’ll take time to see how everything plays out. But I’ll deff be pursuing it- I gotta find my happiness and I know that with my daughter and her dad together with me makes me happy- so that’s what my pursuit of happiness will be.