Posted in Army, Dating, Love, Love making, Military, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Think of me

I wonder what you think of me as I stand there quietly 

Do you see an innocent girl keeping to herself or a woman wondering why sHe is there 

Do you glance at me from afar and wonder   who I am

As I glance at you from afar and wonder who I’d be with you

I wonder if you can read me

Can you see my soul 

and although I come off crude and raunchy

I am a woman who needs and longs for love but found it in all the wrong places

Do you see confidence 

Do you see beauty 

What do you see as you see me in the hall

I see mystery

I see wonder

I see your arms wrapped around me tightly

As you kiss and caress my body

I see a flAsh of hope 

That maybe a real decent man exists

I wonder if it is real 

That dreams can come true

And something I hadn’t planned or expected can happen, too

I want to get to know you more so I no longer need to wonder

I no longer need to glance from afar

I can feel your arms around me

Feel you holding me tightly 

Feel you caressing every inch of my body 

I no longer want to wonder and have this mystery about who you are

What you like 

What makes you angry or happy or sad

I want to know you and I want you

Now to make this happen

Make you mine

So you can always think of me 

Like I’ve been thinking of you. 

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Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Army, Arousing, Clit kisser, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Love, Military, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Vagina, pussy, penetrating

Normalcy 

So I decided I will delete the old numbers of the guys in my life that have no real substance or positive impact on my life…. that’s including Don and even Monster who I rarely see anyway. 

I will miss the Monster cock that he provided with his sexy smile and as for Don I’ll miss the conversation but that’s about it. 

Debating about Tyrone although I feel like Tyrone would be an occasional sex partner as he had been those two times in my past. The sex was incredible with him but he taught me some things About myself that I didn’t even know and I thank him for that. I guess with each new guy you learn something about them/and guys in general as well as learning something about yourself.

I deserve to be happy with one guy and one guy only and on this path of recovery I think it would be easier to achieving a sense of normalcy if I am to either stay to myself and try the life of celibacy or at least stay true to one guy. 
So I’m hoping things do well with the hot army vet and I can just be with him and he could satisfy my needs and wants especially in that department- my sexual needs. 
Sitting around with friends today we share stories of sex and what we thought were naughty and I think to myself how lucky people are to have a special someone in their lives and as much as I enjoy my singledom and being able to fuck him or him- 
I still feel a sense of loss like something or someone is missing from my life
This indecisiveness is crippling to me as to whether I want to be alone or be with another person and just let my walls come down to be willing to be with them
I want to jump all in with a guy and maybe it will be the hot army vet which I found out his name finally Which is Enrique. 

Or maybe just at least give him a chance and see where it goes. 

He could definitely be someone different than the usual jerks I have dealt with in the past.

Who are out for one thing and one thing only 

And he could make me want to change and just want to be with him and get to know him

I wanna take this step and see how things pan out

So I am planning an official counseling session Monday so that’ll be the start of my recovery and I’m hoping I can get some answers as to why I feel this need to control guys- use them before they use me- which seems to be my logo and mentality when messing with these guys who aren’t even dating worthy. 

It’s going to be hard but i need to do this for me and for a chance to have real love ❤️ 

So it’s going to be either celibacy or control of this disorder and I will commit myself to only one person who means more to me than anyone. I will commit to myself and better who I am so I can be open to love and not always feel these thoughts of lustfulness and Sex. 

Posted in Army, Dating, Love, Military, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Fuck up. 

I’m really hoping things go well with this new guy

He seems different

More mature then other guys I’ve talked to

He’s a lot older than most as well and seems like he keeps to himself

He stated he’s been single for the past 3 years and can’t remember the last time he talked to a female 

So I like that but I really hope I don’t fuck up my chances with him before I even have a chance to be with him 

I say all the wrong things at the wrong time 

And seem to keep going into my cycle of things I say that make me seem like I’m the wrong person to be dating anyone 

So we decided to meet to get in some miles and walk at the state park then later in the day we are going to do a movie and dinner- guess I will see how things go 

Posted in Army, Dating, Love, Military, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Hot Infantry Veteran. 

So update on the hot Veteran at my job….

He came and talked to me today after weeks of saying hi and staring at me from afar

So I was working on some stuff for an activity we were setting up for and he came over and just started chatting me up.

Then he properly asked me out on a date- a real date

Not the usual hey do you wanna hang out some time? 

That I usually get from these guys who aren’t really men 

So we ended up also talking at our lunch together and I agreed on the date

Well it’s just a date guess it doesn’t have to be more

I kinda don’t wanna scare this guy away

I do have to work at this place until February so I really don’t want things getting awkward while I’m there. 

So I have to minimize the sex talk and try not to unleash my inner freak which tends to come out which then scares the guys away. 

So I will update you guys after my date Saturday. 

I’m hoping I can control my freak side so I can appear somewhat normal to this guy so it can go further than just one date. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Arousing, Dating, erotica, Hardcore, Help, Help wanted, Kinky, Love, Love making, Orgasms, Porn, Porn star, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Vagina, pussy, penetrating, Vibrator

To Scream or not to Scream? That is the question. 

So I realized something I guess a little self discovery over time I had come to realize

So when I have sex, or fuck guys I have this fake orgasm voice I mean I don’t know if it’s real or fake but I don’t every remember being as loud and crazy sounding when I was younger 

So I think back to my first love where I actually made love to the man I was with and remember I was loud with him but not crazy loud how I am now. 

With say Monster or Tyrone- so wondering if over the years I kinda picked up on the porn style moans and just went with it because a lot of guys think it’s hot and get turned on by it more during sex, or for the fact that it’s actually me and how I am during sex but it depends on how loud I get depending on the size of the cock or how good I’m getting banged out by a guy? 

I wish I could actually know this answer- but I think it’s different with every guy I’ve been with and for the fact that I actually loved- yea I can’t believe it either- but I loved my first love- maybe with him it was more about the emotional aspects- and actual love making- so the orgasms and moans weren’t as intense and crazy. 

It’s prob random and weird to think about but as I have gone through my fair share of dicks over a span of about 8 or so years I always had it in the back of my mind like what is my true moan- 

did I lose it over time because I no longer love these guys that I’m with?

 Or because I am trying to hard to please them by being a sex kitten or Sex slave and I feel like guys love the sound of a woman screaming, oh god, oh god at the top of her lungs as she’s taking it from the back? 

I know it changes too sometimes depending on who I was with and to feed a guys ego 

I had played a fake orgasm and a few fake moans here and there during my Sexcapades. 

But the question I have for you readers is: 

Do you think it’s possible to lose the real you? If your doing something for a long time a certain way to please others? 

Is it possible that I lost my real sounds of sex, or my real voice when it comes to Sex, or have I just been having off the wall tie snapping Sex that just has me to the point where screaming is the only way to express myself? I’m sure you won’t have the answer but I’d like some feedback on what you think. Just curious. 

Posted in Advice needed, Dating, Dickhead, Help, Love, Online Dating, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users, Vagina, pussy, penetrating

20 followers so far! Awesome……

Kinda shocked that I have at least 20 followers- and feeling kinda proud that people wanna read about my sexcapades and failed attempts at relationships.

Update: 

So I’m trying to figure out how to nicely get rid of Don in my life- like he can’t take the hint that I am always busy.

 I’m a busy woman, a full time mom, and a grad student who is establishing herself so she can have a stable future.

plus I am bored with the usual night time meetings and always giving head in the back of a car. 

It’s weird when I want it I want it but when it’s when a guy wants it, 

it rubs me the wrong way and I am hesitant to want to give it up. 
Who is he to call the shots? 

I’m the one with the pussy 

and 

I’m catching on to his game- 

Or maybe for the fact I have others like Monster or Tyrone occasionally banging me out I no longer need the repetitive bs that me and Don have.

I wonder why I need to have this control? 

Wondering if it all stems from my addiction? 

Do addicts especially Sex addicts need to be in control? 

Maybe it’s not even about control maybe it’s the fact that I’m sick of being used. 

(Even though Don is in this weirdo world that he thinks he’s my bf- I feel like I’m being used)

How convenient to text me today and call me randomly, when you haven’t called me in the whole almost three years we have been friends/talking!!!

I see a missed call from him on my phone( that’s odd so I text back) me: what’s up I’m in school

Don:

I miss my baby he replies. 
Ummm…. okay yea whatever. Thinking in the back of my head- he must need his dick sucked

I lie and say I can’t talk right now and mention maybe doing dinner 

How about 6pm? I say. 

Nah I can’t, the traffic and all this bs- 8pm will work better he texts back. 

I text back I gotta see about a sitter that late- not sure I have one- only had one earlier. Then I stop texting him.

So when he says he wants to make the time I’m supposed to just hop on it? 

Nah dude not me anymore. I don’t need to have him in my life and need to have him saying when things go

yea I see how this shit goes- he plays this shit every time 

Would’ve been dejavu for me- he does this every time- 

(He sounds like what my teenage niece calls a fuckboi)

Pushes the time further back-

Plans to meet for dinner and he ends up eating, 

he says he’s sorry for eating, 

and then we end up stopping at a gas station 

where he buys condoms, 

gum 

and water 

then we drive to our “spot” 

Which in reality isn’t our spot because I actually take other dudes there to fuck them- 

(The last time I fucked Monster in his car we were there- in your face Don- monster has a bigger cock)

but whatever he can have that dream of us having something only for us

That dream with his dream of us actually being a couple which is hilarious to me. 

I’m at the point where I’m just like I hope he gets the hint and just stops bugging me- maybe loses my number for good. 

I mean it’s just annoying to me. 

So how do you get rid of a guy who you’ve been trying to get rid of for quite a few years now? I 

need some advice, maybe I don’t wanna be harsh, maybe I should just say I’m not a relationship type of girl and I have to end it- 

although I recall being down this road before with him and he fights to keep me and we end up just being fwb and everything gets okay for a bit then things get awkward all over again. 

Damn I make things complicated. 

Followers any thoughts on how to gently brush a guy off and ending a  so-called relationship that I really don’t want to take part in?  Any advice would be helpful. 

Thanks guys. 

I’ll have an update on Tyrone possibly Friday- I’m supposed to meet up with him then. 

And I have a real date with a hopefully normal new guy on Saturday- his name is Tank. 

I’ll update you guys on him later. Guess I didn’t totally give up on dating and trying to find “the one”. 

All hope is not lost for me. 

Posted in Dating, Love, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Push away – (Bob pt. 3)

So I realized that Bob really pushed me away and most likely lies about going to rehab as a way to just stop talking to me. 

So I’ve decided to delete him from all my social media and delete his phone number. Why would I continue to try and be friends with these asshole guys that do nothing but lead me on- make up this false idea that we can be together for more than just a fuck. 

Bob would be the type of guy I could actually settle down with but his loss he fucked it up by being emotionally scarred and pushing away a great woman. 

It’s time to delete losers from my life and surround myself with guys worth my time. 

I deserve so much more than a random fuck.

 I deserve for a guy to want to take me out and actually hold a conversation with me that doesn’t revolve around whether I’m going to suck his dick or not.

 Bob was married man/husband material and I feel like he could’ve been a faithful type- 

too bad he’s so mentally fucked up and damaged- he can’t be the right guy for me and is too scared to commit to anyone. 

Guess it wasn’t a total waste- I had a chance to feel what real love could’ve possibly felt like if I was to eventually love him. I could’ve if he gave me a chance and didn’t push me away.