So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting surgery to get a tummy tuck to get a flatter stomach. People are making me really think about it and tell me I have to really know whether I want to have more kids or not- I honestly don’t see myself having anymore kids because I feel like the first pregnancy scarred me emotionally so I am steering away from the whole baby on board idea. But since I’ve been on a few dates with Tank I can honestly see having another baby and maybe it wouldn’t be the same experience I’ve had the first time. Maybe with each guy it could be different/ if I find me a guy who actually cares and loves me I won’t get treated like shit as I did the first time I was pregnant. I notice I keep holding on to the past and I gotta let it go- not every guy is the same as my ex and they won’t all give me a bad experience in babies and pregnancy. Whether it’s Tank or Bill yum or even the new guy or none of these guys…. I need to stay open minded not to compare the past with the present and future. I need to open my mind and heart to the possibilities that hey I am still of birthing age and hey maybe having a brother or sister for my daughter in the future wouldn’t be so bad. So I guess tummY tuck you will have to wait until my eggs are all dried out and no more.
Not sure wether or not there would be so many sexcapades on here. I’ll deff post some older ones that I haven’t posted yet-
but I think I’m at the point where I’m getting to know the guys by dating And less and less sex type things.
I want a good guy and i want to have someone to call my own
so I gotta stop the sleeping around and hookups that don’t last.
So not sure how many followers wanna read about finding love versus sexual stories- but Sierras Sexcapades is turning into something a little different.
Many of my blogs will be about my search for love and will be more of a dating search and find versus sex experiences.
Maybe I’m maturing and growing up so my blog is changing with me.
Hope you guys continue to follow and check out my blogs.
My explorations of dating and finding love.
This will be a blog within a blog-
Enjoy and stay tuned.
So I have been talking to this guy Tank that I’ve talked about in other posts. And we have really good conversation so far- he seems like a cool guy, he’s well educated, has his own car, his own place, and has a really good job- all very good things about him.
He was my former platoon sergeant at my last unit and o always had a thing for him but never said anything cause I didn’t wanna jeopardize his position. So I waited till I was out the military to send him a message on Facebook and tell him that I was into him and wanted to get to know him more. He also told me that he thought I was a nice woman and was very attractive. He asked me to dinner the last time and that’s when I got nervous and never showed the first time.
So with the courage I got from talking to Tyrone I agreed to finally go out with him and we’re going out next Saturday for the first time.
I haven’t seen this guy in close to ten months so I hope it’s not awkward or anything. We talk pretty good on the phone together so I don’t think it’ll be too terrible- guess I just have that new date jitters.
I think maybe he can change things for me with guys. Like I know it’s a new thing we’re starting up but I hope it lasts a while.
As far as things with Don- he’s back in my life as a friend right now- have no clue where else it’s going to go other than that-
So that hot army vet at my job has been eyeing me down for weeks since he rejected me cause I have no time for him- since I’m a full time mom- a grad student and can only hang out every other weekend with guys. He told me it sounds shady that I can only hang out every other weekend. Really dude? Why the fuck would I lie about when I can hang out? Doesn’t make sense.
Then he went into a convo about his dad and how he has cancer. Me being me and how nice I am- I say well if you need a friend or someone to talk to- you can talk to me! Big mistake on my part!
Should’ve just let it alone and kept to myself at work. I have to always be nice and care about people. So we exchanged numbers again. And he texts me and wants to go on lunch break together to talk.
Ok I’m fine with that- it’s like whatever. Ok not trying to restart or re-attempt to start anything with him since he rubbed me the wrong way last time.
Then he messages me and says he’d like to go out- and I mention how I am at a point where I want to be in a relationship and have finally learned my worth.
I mention I’m not game for just fucking around or friends with benefits…. since I have changed for the better and want more in my life.
That ended the conversation real quick.
So basically he tells me good luck with dating and tells me we would only be strictly friends or talk at work and that’s it.
Cause I switch up too much.
Yea so in the beginning I did just want to fuck him and leave him- like what I used to always do with guys.
But I really am working hard at this making me better thing.
And although my blog is about my sexcapades-I am learning to build myself up and learning to realize my true worth.
I am learning that sex should be more then just sex- it should mean something.
And I am ready to find a guy that I can have sex with or make love to rather than the usual lets go fuck in the car or whatever.
So basically he thought he was getting back into my life just to be my friend with benefits- nah dude people change.
Sorry but I want better for myself.
I actually have a feeling he’s married anyway- so although he may have rejected me this second time due to the fact that I am recognizing what I am worth- I don’t care cause I think he’s hiding something.
I really don’t want to fuck or date a guy who is already involved with a female. That was my problem with Don and why I left him alone. I don’t trust guys and guys like Don with the other females texts in their phones makes my trust for guys even worse.
I’m not focused on looking for love- although I’d like to have it one day soon.
I’ll sit back and let it happen when it happens.
I’m going on an actual date next weekend
No sex will be involved
It will just be a dinner date
No alcohol involved either to add to the craziness that is me which would make me want to have sex.
So I will do this and then be back to my usual self
I am done giving it away too quickly
And not showing guys the true me
Because they think I am easy access and that’s all I’m good for
I like this new me
I hope i stay around a while
I wonder what you think of me as I stand there quietly
Do you see an innocent girl keeping to herself or a woman wondering why sHe is there
Do you glance at me from afar and wonder who I am
As I glance at you from afar and wonder who I’d be with you
I wonder if you can read me
Can you see my soul
and although I come off crude and raunchy
I am a woman who needs and longs for love but found it in all the wrong places
Do you see confidence
Do you see beauty
What do you see as you see me in the hall
I see mystery
I see wonder
I see your arms wrapped around me tightly
As you kiss and caress my body
I see a flAsh of hope
That maybe a real decent man exists
I wonder if it is real
That dreams can come true
And something I hadn’t planned or expected can happen, too
I want to get to know you more so I no longer need to wonder
I no longer need to glance from afar
I can feel your arms around me
Feel you holding me tightly
Feel you caressing every inch of my body
I no longer want to wonder and have this mystery about who you are
What you like
What makes you angry or happy or sad
I want to know you and I want you
Now to make this happen
Make you mine
So you can always think of me
Like I’ve been thinking of you.
So I realized something I guess a little self discovery over time I had come to realize
So when I have sex, or fuck guys I have this fake orgasm voice I mean I don’t know if it’s real or fake but I don’t every remember being as loud and crazy sounding when I was younger
So I think back to my first love where I actually made love to the man I was with and remember I was loud with him but not crazy loud how I am now.
With say Monster or Tyrone- so wondering if over the years I kinda picked up on the porn style moans and just went with it because a lot of guys think it’s hot and get turned on by it more during sex, or for the fact that it’s actually me and how I am during sex but it depends on how loud I get depending on the size of the cock or how good I’m getting banged out by a guy?
I wish I could actually know this answer- but I think it’s different with every guy I’ve been with and for the fact that I actually loved- yea I can’t believe it either- but I loved my first love- maybe with him it was more about the emotional aspects- and actual love making- so the orgasms and moans weren’t as intense and crazy.
It’s prob random and weird to think about but as I have gone through my fair share of dicks over a span of about 8 or so years I always had it in the back of my mind like what is my true moan-
did I lose it over time because I no longer love these guys that I’m with?
Or because I am trying to hard to please them by being a sex kitten or Sex slave and I feel like guys love the sound of a woman screaming, oh god, oh god at the top of her lungs as she’s taking it from the back?
I know it changes too sometimes depending on who I was with and to feed a guys ego
I had played a fake orgasm and a few fake moans here and there during my Sexcapades.
But the question I have for you readers is:
Do you think it’s possible to lose the real you? If your doing something for a long time a certain way to please others?
Is it possible that I lost my real sounds of sex, or my real voice when it comes to Sex, or have I just been having off the wall tie snapping Sex that just has me to the point where screaming is the only way to express myself? I’m sure you won’t have the answer but I’d like some feedback on what you think. Just curious.
His name was Leon, we met when I was just 16- my brothers friend. He was so cute, and nice, but I was too shy to make a move so I let him slip away. We ended up first talking about dating each other when I was 19 yrs old. He was still that amazing guy that he was when I first was crushing on him when I was that nerdy shy girl, afraid of my own shadow. He was my tall dark and handsome guy. We were friends then became best friends and then lovers. At the time I’d do anything for him. He was the guy I wanted to have kids with and marry, and live a long happy life with. Doesn’t really turn out that way though when you are young and in love, things get complicated, you start to lose feelings. The person you are with starts to get annoying to you with anything and everything they do. The arguments start over little things, or no arguments or talking happens and everything seems perfect, when on the inside it’s really falling apart.
We had a good run me and him, we went about 7 years together. The first 3 years were amazing, we were madly in love with each other, the last 4 year’s, not so great. I guess we both grew apart, and started to do our own thing. I joined the military and moved on to other guys who caught my eye. I had goals, and dreams. The marriage proposal I had always wanted was pushed on the back burner. I was ready to explore and see what other guys were out there and test out my other options. He seemed to want to stay in the same place in life and was a bit of a mamas boy, never leaving her side. Every week she had a new illness which stopped him from growing and spreading his wings to fly. Maybe I am a heartless bitch or selfish, but I needed and wanted more. I wanted more then what he could give me. I loved him so much, but the relationship he had with his mom was too much for me. In my head it was either her or me, and he chose her every time. So the love I once had for him drifted away. We then became friends and not really lovers or two people who were in a relationship. He would choose video games over sex sometimes when I tried to initiate it and I’d be like what the fuck dude really? I was getting sick of being pushed to the side. I wanted more then a little boy to date. Like who wouldn’t choose sex over video games, maybe it’s a guy thing, but video games after 27yrs old…..doesn’t sound right to me, you’re too old to play games. So I went away to basic training knowing we weren’t on the greatest terms, and the time away made me open my eyes and stray as a girlfriend and I ended up doing him wrong. Two months away at my training to be a military cook, I had a fling with a guy there. I caught feelings for him but knew it was wrong, when I had this great guy with a few flaws waiting back home. He was a great guy. He was loving, and loyal and funny, all which I love in a guy, but he needed an extra push when it came to life goals and going for that job that he wanted. He needed his hand held at times when you thought were easy to do, but I guess his mom never let him go far enough to learn that easy stuff on his own. He treated me well, and bent over backwards to make me happy. I remember the sweetest thing he ever did for me was waiting five hours in the rain to get me Britney Spears tickets at the record store, that used to be called The Wall. Another thing I would never forget is when he surprised me with flowers at my job, no guy after that ever did any of that stuff for me. I miss having a guy like that so much these days. I’d be happy if the guy just pays for the date, and opens the door for me. I loved how romantic he was, but it irked me that he didn’t show any reaction to me telling him I cheated on him. And the fact that I cheated on him with two guys when I was away, not just one. I waited for a reaction. Call me a slut, tell me you hate me, give me something, but no I got I Love You, we will work through this. I was like really wow, that’s it, that’s your reaction. to all I said. His words and why he didn’t get upset or seem to care, just made me want to go out and do it more (cheat) I mean. Since he didn’t care either way, wwhat the he’ll, let me goand do it…. and that’s what I did. I started having side dudes, while benefiting from what emotional pleasure he gave me. I went elsewhere for my sexual needs. It went on for about a year until I had to stop playing the game and just let it go, cut him off completely. I had to woman up and let him go, not destroy him totally, ince he was once my first love. So we parted ways, and I ended up a couple years later marrying a guy I never really loved that abused me physically and mentally for a year and a half or so. So I left this great guy with all these small flaws that we could’ve worked on together for a life of sadness, depression and suicidal thoughts.
I have since left my husband and the abusive relationship, and had a beautiful daughter that I will never trade for anyone else in the world. Although I regret not trying more to stay with my first love since he treated me so well, I know I was meant to go through the abusive marriage to build me up as a woman and make me stronger. I was meant to have my daughter in my life and wouldn’t wish my life to be any other way. I sometimes miss my first love, but I am thankful for our time together, and grateful that I have seen real love at some time in my life. The dating world is hard for me now because I have been hurt in the past and am on guard waiting for the next guy to do me wrong. I will continue to try this dating thing although I really feel like there’s no hope left, guys aren’t. chivalrous and romantic like my first love, and everyone since him doesn’t come close with a lot of things. We still text here and there, and a year ago he met my daughter for the first time. When he met her I got this empty feeling. in my gut as if I know I should’ve been holding our kid that we were supposed to plan and have together, but I know I wouldn’t ever have my daughter, it would be another kid, and I couldn’t live without my daughter, she makes me fight, she builds me up, she has helped me through so much in my life. I know I had memories of what a perfect life we would’ve. had together, but that sailed away when we parted ways. I even thought about trying to rekindle our feelings for each other, years later… but I know I would be back into the headache of him choosing “mother” over me, and I want to be someone’s first choice. I don’t want to fight for someone’s time and attention, especially when his mother still has a grip on him… now being 34 years old. I’ll keep our relationship strictly as texting buddies and that’s all it will ever be.
Lessons to myself on dating……