So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting surgery to get a tummy tuck to get a flatter stomach. People are making me really think about it and tell me I have to really know whether I want to have more kids or not- I honestly don’t see myself having anymore kids because I feel like the first pregnancy scarred me emotionally so I am steering away from the whole baby on board idea. But since I’ve been on a few dates with Tank I can honestly see having another baby and maybe it wouldn’t be the same experience I’ve had the first time. Maybe with each guy it could be different/ if I find me a guy who actually cares and loves me I won’t get treated like shit as I did the first time I was pregnant. I notice I keep holding on to the past and I gotta let it go- not every guy is the same as my ex and they won’t all give me a bad experience in babies and pregnancy. Whether it’s Tank or Bill yum or even the new guy or none of these guys…. I need to stay open minded not to compare the past with the present and future. I need to open my mind and heart to the possibilities that hey I am still of birthing age and hey maybe having a brother or sister for my daughter in the future wouldn’t be so bad. So I guess tummY tuck you will have to wait until my eggs are all dried out and no more.
Not sure wether or not there would be so many sexcapades on here. I’ll deff post some older ones that I haven’t posted yet-
but I think I’m at the point where I’m getting to know the guys by dating And less and less sex type things.
I want a good guy and i want to have someone to call my own
so I gotta stop the sleeping around and hookups that don’t last.
So not sure how many followers wanna read about finding love versus sexual stories- but Sierras Sexcapades is turning into something a little different.
Many of my blogs will be about my search for love and will be more of a dating search and find versus sex experiences.
Maybe I’m maturing and growing up so my blog is changing with me.
Hope you guys continue to follow and check out my blogs.
My explorations of dating and finding love.
This will be a blog within a blog-
Enjoy and stay tuned.
So I like the idea of having a new guy in my life and I am enjoying the feelings I get when I start talking and getting to know someone new.
But do any of you ladies or gents, feel like you should keep the way you might feel about the new guy/girl to yourself, in case they turn out to be the opposite of what you hoped they’d be?
So I’m asking this because the other day in a group text with my sister and gal pal, I am explaining to them about the new guy and how he seems nice and genuinely like a good guy. I go on and tell them all these good things about him and how he does this or that or how he wants to take me here or there. But I wonder in the back of my mind how truthful he’s being. I am on guard that these things he says aren’t truthful and I’m on guard for him to just see me once and not continue.
Does anyone else fear or worry that the new guy or person they are interested in seeing will flip the switch and be someone totally different?
I told my sister That whenever I tell people about a guy- the next week or so later I’m out of liking the person or trying with them due to something they did to not make me interested anymore.
So wondering if this always happens, if I’m not the only one dealing with a scenario like this.
Comment please if you ever dealt with anything in this blog, so I know I’m not alone in this.
So it’s been a couple months since I talked to Tyrone. He called me today and it was like we didn’t miss out on the last two months seeing each other. We talked for hours about a lot of things, life, school, his new business venture which is taking off for him and the military. Everything was cool when we talked and I enjoy talking to him. He helped me out a lot and helped me with a few things I never even knew before about myself. I feel like he is a great friend to keep in my life. Out of all the guy friends I had he’s the only one left I kept around that I know he respects me enough not to pressure me about the sex thing or he won’t give in to me if I feel like I need to fuck him- and I lose control- he won’t let me go off my path and self destruct. He seems to legitimately care about me. Well he did say I’m a splendid person- hey there’s a first for everything.
I like him.
I really like him. And I know he’d be good for me and good to me.
But like i said in posts before we are both at times in our life where we are bettering ourselves and working hard to get where we want to be with our career and lives.
So after we talked on the phone and his conversation gave me some courage to talk to the other guy tank- ( I was supposed to go out on a date with in a previous post), I talked to Tank- I’ve been too nervous and blowing him off the last couple months, and sticking only to texting so I could avoid my nerves kicking in or me saying something dumb. We talked for hours and he seems like a nice guy. I agreed to go out with him when he comes in town and we plan to talk on the phone more often and go out.
So I call Tyrone back and since we are just friends- I tell him about tank. Then we get into a conversation that somehow turned to Tyrone talking about me and him as a couple. I went on a rant how he didn’t want a relationship and I want to date him… and then he gave me some spiel about how we couldn’t cause he’s too self destructive and somehow it won’t work. Well for a brief moment I had hope that I could be with him. And then it quickly got torn down. He said he wants a female to make herself seem to him. Wtf does that mean? I don’t wanna work for it. Or should I have to? I do like him and want to get to know him more. But is it too late since we already had sex and I have it away too quickly? Idk. I don’t know how I should approach this situation. Was it his clues for me to make it known of my feelings for him? Or was it a hint just telling me if I want him I should work so he sees me more. And he says females are the emotional complicated ones.
Mind is blown.
Like always when talking to him
Oh well I just figure I am gaining a good friend in this if all else fails.
God placed him in my life for a reason and I am grateful
So I guess my blog should no longer be sierras sexcapades since I’ve decided to go down the path of celibacy. I had to stop this addiction which would’ve had me on the path of self destruction. And I’m doing a great job. I feel like I’m really learning more about myself and growing a lot on this journey of self control. I haven’t gone to sex addiction meetings yet but am debating if I should go sit in on one or not just for the extra support. I am proud of myself and decided it’s best for Don to stay out of my life completely since he doesn’t do anything positive in my life- he wouldn’t be a positive person to have around and my contact with him would only make the celibacy vow I’ve decided to take fall through.
So I feel invincible now that I gained some confidence and realized that I am worth more. I don’t have to open my legs up and just hook up with guys to satisfy me. I am actually at a point where I’m okay sitting in the house and using my new vibrators I just bought.
I wanna save myself for someone worth it. Who respects me and understands who I am and what I may be struggling with but still accepts me the way I am.
I will continue on this path and see what happens. I’m at the point in my recovery where I know I can do it and I will do it- for me
Yay I received the email from my lawyer I have been waiting on for the last 4 years now. My ex signed the documents finally and on December 29th he will receive the final notice to divorce documents.
Yay i am so happy
I can finally be free from his control
And start living my life
So here’s the tricky part in this situation though… so I’ve been hiding behind the fact that I’m not divorced to start a real relationship with a guy I like and now the divorce is almost here and in actually scared to death that now I’m expected to just be okay and normal to jump all in.
Honestly I think I have some commitment issues that I need to sort out in therapy and need more time on this even though the divorce is now literally around the corner.
I don’t know what I should do
If I should just say fuck it and try a relationship I don’t think I’m ready for or wait till I get more help on this matter.
Wondering if my mind actually overcomplicates things and blows them way out of proportion. Maybe I should take it one day at a time as I always do with my Life and see where it goes.
I’m just so happy that the final divorce decree will be in my hand soon.
So I’ve been doing great
These last almost 3 months I have gone without sex
That’s sorta a new record for me and I’m proud of it
It’s hard not to just text or call up him or him to break me off
And I could’ve really taken Enrique up on his offer to do the FWB thing
So I’m feeling very proud of myself right now
I guess with some self control and understanding I am worth more than just a busted nut I can make things happen for myself and grow as a person who is recovering from what I think is an addiction
I feel like I can do anything at this point and really have confidence in what I can do professionally without having to think that my addiction will somehow get in the way of it as ruin it… like it once had at one point.
With time and a lot of restraint
And therapy it is helping
Although I miss the company of certain guys… especially Monster since we had a little history I know starting things up with him only adds to my addiction and makes me do things and get on a road where it will lead to me being reckless and back to my old habits
I didn’t like the route I was going down and had actually thought about selling sex for money- and once I got to that point I knew I had to end this.
I took money from a guy I fucked a few years ago and he expected Sex or a blow job or whatever even though I was just borrowing the money and I felt dirty after and I didn’t even do anything sexual with him. So I know I guess I’m good where I am right now- I have a conscience and it does speak to me.
So basically the reason of my rant is to tell you guys I’m working hard at this and am doing well. Each day is more difficult then the next not to just flip the switch and say fuck it I wanna do that threesome or have monster fuck my brains out… but I will take it a day at a time and make it happen.