Posted in Advice needed, Bye Bitch, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Friend Zoned, Friends with benefits, Friendship, Help, Help wanted, Judgement, Knowledge, Life lessons, New relationship, Rant, Realistic, Revelation, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

New guy

So I like the idea of having a new guy in my life and I am enjoying the feelings I get when I start talking and getting to know someone new. 

But do any of you ladies or gents, feel like you should keep the way you might feel about the new guy/girl to yourself, in case they turn out to be the opposite of what you hoped they’d be? 
So I’m asking this because the other day in a group text with my sister and gal pal, I am explaining to them about the new guy and how he seems nice and genuinely like a good guy. I go on and tell them all these good things about him and how he does this or that or how he wants to take me here or there. But I wonder in the back of my mind how truthful he’s being. I am on guard that these things he says aren’t truthful and I’m on guard for him to just see me once and not continue. 
Does anyone else fear or worry that the new guy or person they are interested in seeing will flip the switch and be someone totally different? 
I told my sister That whenever I tell people about a guy- the next week or so later I’m out of liking the person or trying with them due to something they did to not make me interested anymore. 

So wondering if this always happens, if I’m not the only one dealing with a scenario like this. 

Comment please if you ever dealt with anything in this blog, so I know I’m not alone in this. 

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Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Army, Arousing, Celibacy, Control freak, Dating, Military, Rant, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Vagina, pussy, penetrating, Vibrator

Update- Celibacy No More

so ive been celibate the last three months and was so proud of my streak. i done went and fucked it up by first giving Don head in the back of his car- but i figured its not sex so I was still considered celibate. 

then about a week and a half later i met up with Bill Yum after going ghost on him for months- like every other guy i left alone to figure me and my addiction out.
so apparently he moved to a new house and lives with two other roomates who are guys- which is cool. he says he works all the time and hasnt had time for females and was wondering what happened with me. told him i was fighting some demons and trying to get right with myself, so went ghost. 

he texted me the one day or maybe i texted him cause i was getting the itch i get where i needed some dick- so he invited me up his place- whih is two hours away- i agreed and said id come up to spend the night.
felt good to see his face, the past was behind us with the whole cheating thing i forgave him, he apologized. 

i told him how i felt and we made up. so here we are talking catching up and watching movies- when for the first time in a long while i didnt wanna just jump his bones.

 i actually enjoyed our conversation and our flirting. i missed my hands inside his. it felt great to be there with him. so we watched some movies, then all of a sudden he started to finger me on the couch. oh my lawd, it felt incredible! then he pulled off my shorts and stuck his massive black cock in my wet pussy. i screamed cause that was the first time in three months i had a dick in me. i moaned and moaned as he thrust into me. i was going wild as he flipped me over and i flipped back. we kissed and he kissed my body all over. i love the way he feels on top of me. echoes of my screams go throughout the house as i start to cream on his black couch that he shares with his roomates. he thrusts one last thrust and my whole body is throbbing- and i cum everywhere. we finished at the same time.
we continue to watch the movies and eat and just have a couple drinks. then one of his roomates come in from out partying and hes drunk. he falls asleep on the recliner next to us as we continue to watch the movie. by this time im getting sleepy and wanna just go lay in his bed. so i start rubbing on his cock right on the couch next to his roomate. trying to hint to him- im ready to go another round. then i tell him im going downstairs to lay in bed.
i head downstairs and put on my lingerie that i brought to look sexy for him. its a really cute see through pink set i wore in a recent boudoir photo shoot i did. i felt so sexy in it and couldnt wait for him to see me in it.
so i adjust myself and turn on some music. he peeks his head in and sees me wearing it- and says i look sexy, as he grabs my butt. definetly the reaction i wanted from him.
he tells me he will be back in. so i make myself comfortable on his bed. his bed was very soft. fighting sleep, so we could get one or two more rounds in before we actually have to sleep.
he comes in and we talk, then i start to go down on him. placing my wet warm mouth on his dick- and i hear him moan in pleasure.
then i hop on top and start riding him, thrusting back and forth and going wild since its been a while since i fucked a guy. he grips me up and pulls my hair, then spanks me. then i pull out my vibrator which he uses on me as hes fingering me- omg it felt so good. he was telling me to be quiet but i couldnt help myself. im sure his roomates heard everything… but honestly it turned me on more knowing they could hear. We decided we are gonna do another long distance thing- so gonna see where it goes. I will see his this weekend when he’s in town- 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Arousing, Celibacy, Control freak, Dating, Friendship, Life lessons, Love, Missing him, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Vagina, pussy, penetrating

He’s back in my life 

So…. ….

I’ve decided to let Don back into my life…..

I remembered all the good things that he helped me do and encouraged me to do. 

The main reason I let him back in was due to something my friend Tyrone was saying about the guys I like and telling me about how people are set in your life for certain reasons. He also said be with someone who wants to better you and wants you to better you. 

I always had a connection with Don since the first day we started to talk on Facebook and through the phone. 

Then we had an even bigger connection when we met for the first time in person. 

When we hung out tonight- all these warm fuzzy feelings came back to me-I think I may have loved him at one point- and it feels like those feelings were coming back- maybe they never left. 

I missed looking at his mysterious brown eyes and looking at his sexy lips as he talked to me. I really missed our conversations. 

We haven’t seen each other in three months and when we met up- we got right into our conversation and chatted for a while. 

I so wanted to kiss him.

And my heart felt full when in his presence 

It’s a crazy kind of feeling I have for him and when I am around him

I’m wondering if I’m falling all over again or if I fell for him before but always pushed away the feelings of it cause I was scared and made up every excuse to avoid being with him- like I always do. 

So we talked about going the relationship route in 2017- and I said it sounds great! I jokingly said I have to work on me this final week and learn to just trust and not worry so much. 

I also thought when in relationships you jump all in- but he said to go slow and go into it gradually.

 I really wanna do this and I wanna have him in my life. 

I know I have him in my life now but on a friend level- but I think I’m ready to have him on the bf level. I guess time will tell and I’ll see what my next move is.

Oh I told him about my sex addiction tonight and how I’m working on me and being celibate for a while until the guy I’m with is worthy of my good good. He said he respects it and won’t pressure me. He said whenever I’m ready for sex, is when it will happen. He also learned that I love being spanked and choked in the bedroom and I’m surprised he wasn’t to taken back by any of it. He actually told me he thought I had an addiction so he sorta already knew. 

I’m ready to find and hold on to love in 2017- it’s my time to be happy. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Army, Asshole, Bye Bitch, Control freak, Dating, Dickhead, Help, Help wanted, Jerk, Judgement, Life lessons, Military, Narcissistic, Rant, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Confusion

So why is it that I don’t know what I want? 

It’s a constant battle with me

One minute I want to be in a relationship 

And the next I can’t stand guys and just want to use them for sex

Wondering if other women go through this constant battle like I do

It seems like I’m pushing away any guy who is trying to get close to me

Well here’s a new scenario 

So hot army veteran asks me out yet again at my job

I still was holding on to the fact that he rubbed me the wrong way the first time and rejected me…. 

so I did just that to him when he approached me:

He Walks up to me and asks me what my plans are for the weekend 

I reply with sweat pants and Netflix. 

Which to me is a great night! I love feeling comfortable in bed and I love to watch movies… this was my laSt weekend before classes start up again- so I wanted to enjoy it! 

He says do you wanna go see a movie with me

My reply what movie? Like any normal person would ask cause I won’t see just any movie

Then he gets all rude and upset due to my question and walks off 

After my response of I’ll let you know 

He sends me a long ass text ranting about how he’s not desperate and doesn’t need to go out with me. Then he rants about why I’m asking what movie?!! Dude really? I texted back it ain’t that serious and honestly I don’t think it’ll work us going out by the way his personality is so different then mine. 

This dude got mad at me over asking what movie he wanted to see. Go fuck yourself is what I wanted to say but I was nice about it- like I usually am to asshole guys. I exited that situation before it became a problem. He seems to have anger/control issues he needs to sort out on his own. And if he is in fact single like he says….. I now understand why- he’s a total douche bag! 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

And it’s not even like he’s that good looking. Bye Bitch! 

Then there’s this second scenario with Don- yea Don still texts me and has been reaching out to me through social media once I went ghost on him for about a few weeks- ghost meaning I stopped texting him and contacting him all together. 

So Don texts me and asked about the weekend- I guess I had made plans to meet up with him but had totally forgotten about it. Saturday comes and he’s nonstop texting me. When are we linking up- I miss you- I wanna see you- 

The last conversation we had was me telling him that if we remain friends- no sex is involved because I’m working on me- and he said okay. But I know once I see him I’ll give in somehow and I’ll end up sucking his dick/ which to me is getting on my nerves… I would like it better if I got something in return but he seems very selfish and greedy about that. And hasn’t kicked my pussy not once the whole two years I’ve known him so it won’t happen! Anyway off topic.. so he is constantly texting me and I say I’m at a party- which I was but it didn’t last as long as I was portraying it to be. We were just texting so how would he know if I was still at the party or not. Guess texting has its pluses! So he sends another text around 7pm and asks how’s the party. I look at the text and lay back in bed in my sweats with my Gilmore Girls marathon on. If I don’t want to go out with a guy and I’d rather sit in and watch a hundred episodes of Gilmore Girls- I obviously don’t want to be with the guy. I told Don multiple times it’s not gonna work between us- but he keeps pushing it so is that my fault?? Why do guys get so hung up on females? I know he said I give the best oral sex but that can’t be the reason, or can it? I don’t know I’m just getting to the point where these dudes are irritating me. I’m contemplating switching teams for a bit and maybe having my first  girl on girl experience. I don’t know, I don’t think women would be any different then men- my lesbian friend told me it’s not different at all other than the fact of the body parts are different. You still have females who are controlling and narcissistic, and who are players and not faithful to the one they are with. 

So as I go along this journey I wonder if I will continue down this path of leaving these fuck boi guys alone and maybe dive into some pussy- ( no wait I would never do that! I love dick too much- I’ll have a pussy dive down on me! ) or just stay on this dry road of nothingness and just prepare for these sex toys to come so I can cum all alone by myself watching some pornhub. I can live my fantasies through the pornhub videos and go to other places with my vibrators. I won’t have to deal with an annoying guy giving me shit or feeling like they used me or having to suck their dick without anything in return. 

I like the sound of that. I will be doing that until I see my boo boo Monster in a week! I plan to have my pussy destroyed by him- which I know it will be because of his size and because of how long it’s been since I’ve had any penetration. 

Getting aroused thinking about it. 

What do you, my readers think about my scenarios I just shared? 

Maybe I’m just fed up with guys treating me like shit so I push them away! Maybe I’m finally growing in that area and seeing the red flags beforehand. Please leave some comments to this. 

Posted in Army, Asshole, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Dickhead, Divorce, Love, Marriage, Military, Narcissistic, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

Divorce will be bittersweet whenever it comes to an end. 

So I haven’t talked to much about the fact that I am sorta married still- but my divorce to my abusive ex has been pending for quite longer than I have expected. 

It’s actually going on close to 5 years now and I’m still not divorced! 

Yea every moment I thought I was closer to being free, but nope, not even close.

 The relationship/marriage I had with a narcissist control freak was hell for me.

 If you go read Rehatch that’ll give you an idea of the type of shit I dealt with being married to that guy so I won’t go into it too much. 

But I met him through the Marines where it felt like he was my knight in shining armor. He came to me at a Time where I was battling a few demons and he seemed to push the demons to the side and brighten my day with his smile. 

His smile soon faded and turned to anger which turned my smiles and laughter into tears. 

We dated for about 2 years before I married his dumbass. 

He was a psycho ready to snap. 

He threatened to kill himself on multiple occasions if I decided to leave him or dump him and he was mentally, emotionally and then became physically abusive towards me. I couldn’t wait to free myself from him and the toxic relationship we had together. 

There were times I wanted to kill myself because I wanted it to stop, I wanted him to stop. He beat me down to the point where I lost myself. 

I lost my self confidence, my self esteem and self worth. I started dressing Raggy and bummy and didn’t feel like myself. 

He controlled who I could see and where I could go. I was a slave within my own home. 

I luckily wised up and grew up once I had my daughter and left that terrible man and home behind. 

But to this day I feel like he is still tied down to me and I cant be totally free without the divorce decree telling him that I am finally free- that I won this battle! 

He finally has no control over the fact that he can no longer call me his wife! 

Which he still does, what a nut job, in the back of his mind he still thinks I’m coming back and we’re gonna be together. He tells my daughter that all the time. 

So I am patiently waiting for this divorce decree to come in the mail any day now so I can walk a little taller around him. I can boast about the fact that I am a survivor. I survived his abuse and I was able to rise above. 

That divorce decree means everything to me- it means my freedom. And it will give me my power back! 

Just my thoughts. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Army, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Loss, Military, Missing him, Rant, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,

Update

haven’t blogged in a while 

Guess I’m doing a little soul searching

Sick and tired of feeling used 

And using guys

So taking a break from dating and hooking up for a while

I didn’t like the road I was going down

Needed to slow down 

And not self destruct

I want to find a guy who’s worthy 

One I can wait to have sex with someone who wants Me for me and not just for the pussy I have between my legs 

I love sex 

But I think it’s time to hold off for the one who is going to be the one I want for a while

Flings and hooking up is my past 

And I want more 

So I am on the path to recovery

Searching within myself to get stronger

Fight these temptations that I have just to call up Don or even hook up with Monster when he’s in town.

I do however miss someone but I know it won’t get to the point where we could want and need each other more then just as sex buddies. 

Tyrone is always on my mind but he is like the others just a fuck buddy 

I no longer want to play second string to a guy 

I only wanna be number 1

So until I find that

I will remain alone

Working on Me and fixing my situation

Patiently waiting for my turn up at bat and actually taking the win all the way home…. 

I wanna play for keeps 

Or at least make it past 2 months 

So time to heal and work on meim gonna stop looking 

And let love find me 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Army, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Masturbate, Military, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

Mom first before anything 

So it’s weird Enrique was texting me the last two days asking if I had my daughter or not 

Yes I have her 

No I’m not dropping her to her dad

I can’t find a guy who is willing to just hang out every other weekend because I’m a mom full time and a student full time

He definitely wasn’t for me if he ends it after I say I have my daughter for the weekend

I’m sorry I take care of my child and don’t just pawn her off on her dad to go out on the weekends

In sorry you aren’t man enough to realize that I am a mom first before anything and I take care of her by myself full time

I’m sorry you have no patience and cant wait to see me next weekend when I’m available 

It’s annoying

 he seemed cool but seems dudes lately have been all the same

That’s why I gave up on dating

Not wasting time on these loser guys who want me to change me for them

And choose going out versus taking care of my daughter

Enrique wasn’t in the cards I suppose and I’m okay with that

I’m just wondering now how many new sex toys I need to buy since my little list of fucks are diminished now

Tyrone is leaving for a month for military training 

While monster is away and won’t be in Philly till November 

Don is annoying me and I don’t wanna restart that just to get dick 

So that leaves me with 0 guys left for me to play with

So I need to stock up on toys 

Maybe this is Gods sign to calm Down my problem 

so maybe I won’t need to get counseling 

I can just do it myself 

Guess I’ll see what happens next