Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Asshole, Bye Bitch, Counseling, Divorce, Help wanted, Life lessons, Marriage, Military, Rant, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Final divorce notice 

Yay I received the email from my lawyer I have been waiting on for the last 4 years now. My ex signed the documents finally and on December 29th he will receive the final notice to divorce documents. 

Yay i am so happy 

I can finally be free from his control 

And start living my life

So here’s the tricky part in this situation though… so I’ve been hiding behind the fact that I’m not divorced to start a real relationship with a guy I like and now the divorce is almost here and in actually scared to death that now I’m expected to just be okay and normal to jump all in. 

Honestly I think I have some commitment issues that I need to sort out in therapy and need more time on this even though the divorce is now literally around the corner. 

I don’t know what I should do

If I should just say fuck it and try a relationship I don’t think I’m ready for or wait till I get more help on this matter.

Wondering if my mind actually overcomplicates things and blows them way out of proportion. Maybe I should take it one day at a time as I always do with my Life and see where it goes. 

I’m just so happy that the final divorce decree will be in my hand soon. 

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Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Army, Asshole, Bye Bitch, Control freak, Dating, Dickhead, Help, Help wanted, Jerk, Judgement, Life lessons, Military, Narcissistic, Rant, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Confusion

So why is it that I don’t know what I want? 

It’s a constant battle with me

One minute I want to be in a relationship 

And the next I can’t stand guys and just want to use them for sex

Wondering if other women go through this constant battle like I do

It seems like I’m pushing away any guy who is trying to get close to me

Well here’s a new scenario 

So hot army veteran asks me out yet again at my job

I still was holding on to the fact that he rubbed me the wrong way the first time and rejected me…. 

so I did just that to him when he approached me:

He Walks up to me and asks me what my plans are for the weekend 

I reply with sweat pants and Netflix. 

Which to me is a great night! I love feeling comfortable in bed and I love to watch movies… this was my laSt weekend before classes start up again- so I wanted to enjoy it! 

He says do you wanna go see a movie with me

My reply what movie? Like any normal person would ask cause I won’t see just any movie

Then he gets all rude and upset due to my question and walks off 

After my response of I’ll let you know 

He sends me a long ass text ranting about how he’s not desperate and doesn’t need to go out with me. Then he rants about why I’m asking what movie?!! Dude really? I texted back it ain’t that serious and honestly I don’t think it’ll work us going out by the way his personality is so different then mine. 

This dude got mad at me over asking what movie he wanted to see. Go fuck yourself is what I wanted to say but I was nice about it- like I usually am to asshole guys. I exited that situation before it became a problem. He seems to have anger/control issues he needs to sort out on his own. And if he is in fact single like he says….. I now understand why- he’s a total douche bag! 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

And it’s not even like he’s that good looking. Bye Bitch! 

Then there’s this second scenario with Don- yea Don still texts me and has been reaching out to me through social media once I went ghost on him for about a few weeks- ghost meaning I stopped texting him and contacting him all together. 

So Don texts me and asked about the weekend- I guess I had made plans to meet up with him but had totally forgotten about it. Saturday comes and he’s nonstop texting me. When are we linking up- I miss you- I wanna see you- 

The last conversation we had was me telling him that if we remain friends- no sex is involved because I’m working on me- and he said okay. But I know once I see him I’ll give in somehow and I’ll end up sucking his dick/ which to me is getting on my nerves… I would like it better if I got something in return but he seems very selfish and greedy about that. And hasn’t kicked my pussy not once the whole two years I’ve known him so it won’t happen! Anyway off topic.. so he is constantly texting me and I say I’m at a party- which I was but it didn’t last as long as I was portraying it to be. We were just texting so how would he know if I was still at the party or not. Guess texting has its pluses! So he sends another text around 7pm and asks how’s the party. I look at the text and lay back in bed in my sweats with my Gilmore Girls marathon on. If I don’t want to go out with a guy and I’d rather sit in and watch a hundred episodes of Gilmore Girls- I obviously don’t want to be with the guy. I told Don multiple times it’s not gonna work between us- but he keeps pushing it so is that my fault?? Why do guys get so hung up on females? I know he said I give the best oral sex but that can’t be the reason, or can it? I don’t know I’m just getting to the point where these dudes are irritating me. I’m contemplating switching teams for a bit and maybe having my first  girl on girl experience. I don’t know, I don’t think women would be any different then men- my lesbian friend told me it’s not different at all other than the fact of the body parts are different. You still have females who are controlling and narcissistic, and who are players and not faithful to the one they are with. 

So as I go along this journey I wonder if I will continue down this path of leaving these fuck boi guys alone and maybe dive into some pussy- ( no wait I would never do that! I love dick too much- I’ll have a pussy dive down on me! ) or just stay on this dry road of nothingness and just prepare for these sex toys to come so I can cum all alone by myself watching some pornhub. I can live my fantasies through the pornhub videos and go to other places with my vibrators. I won’t have to deal with an annoying guy giving me shit or feeling like they used me or having to suck their dick without anything in return. 

I like the sound of that. I will be doing that until I see my boo boo Monster in a week! I plan to have my pussy destroyed by him- which I know it will be because of his size and because of how long it’s been since I’ve had any penetration. 

Getting aroused thinking about it. 

What do you, my readers think about my scenarios I just shared? 

Maybe I’m just fed up with guys treating me like shit so I push them away! Maybe I’m finally growing in that area and seeing the red flags beforehand. Please leave some comments to this. 

Posted in Army, Asshole, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Dickhead, Divorce, Love, Marriage, Military, Narcissistic, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

Divorce will be bittersweet whenever it comes to an end. 

So I haven’t talked to much about the fact that I am sorta married still- but my divorce to my abusive ex has been pending for quite longer than I have expected. 

It’s actually going on close to 5 years now and I’m still not divorced! 

Yea every moment I thought I was closer to being free, but nope, not even close.

 The relationship/marriage I had with a narcissist control freak was hell for me.

 If you go read Rehatch that’ll give you an idea of the type of shit I dealt with being married to that guy so I won’t go into it too much. 

But I met him through the Marines where it felt like he was my knight in shining armor. He came to me at a Time where I was battling a few demons and he seemed to push the demons to the side and brighten my day with his smile. 

His smile soon faded and turned to anger which turned my smiles and laughter into tears. 

We dated for about 2 years before I married his dumbass. 

He was a psycho ready to snap. 

He threatened to kill himself on multiple occasions if I decided to leave him or dump him and he was mentally, emotionally and then became physically abusive towards me. I couldn’t wait to free myself from him and the toxic relationship we had together. 

There were times I wanted to kill myself because I wanted it to stop, I wanted him to stop. He beat me down to the point where I lost myself. 

I lost my self confidence, my self esteem and self worth. I started dressing Raggy and bummy and didn’t feel like myself. 

He controlled who I could see and where I could go. I was a slave within my own home. 

I luckily wised up and grew up once I had my daughter and left that terrible man and home behind. 

But to this day I feel like he is still tied down to me and I cant be totally free without the divorce decree telling him that I am finally free- that I won this battle! 

He finally has no control over the fact that he can no longer call me his wife! 

Which he still does, what a nut job, in the back of his mind he still thinks I’m coming back and we’re gonna be together. He tells my daughter that all the time. 

So I am patiently waiting for this divorce decree to come in the mail any day now so I can walk a little taller around him. I can boast about the fact that I am a survivor. I survived his abuse and I was able to rise above. 

That divorce decree means everything to me- it means my freedom. And it will give me my power back! 

Just my thoughts. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Asshole, Judgement, Orgasms, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users, Vagina, pussy, penetrating

Feeling annoyed.

So I had a night of drunken oral on Friday night with the guy I didn’t think I’d ever do that with- and my sister in law found out through my drunken stooper and can’t look at me the same again. 

I think to myself damn am I that fucked up? Here I go again doing what I do best- fucking up and fucking around with the wrong guys. Supposedly Friday guy is a married man- well when I talked to him he said he’s separated so who am I to question- if he wants to lie it’s on him. I’m not a home wrecker. 

She looked at me with such disgust

But who is she to pass judgement on me 

She been flirting with this guy for years when we worked at the same job with him back in the day- so I’m wrong that he gave me some oral and it was amazing! 

Who is she to judge, When she has been nothing but a rotten mom for years and years and she has a lot more dirt on her then I actually have on me- 

Hate those types of people who judge others

Like your shit don’t stink. 

Rant over. 

So Friday guy gave the best oral ever- can’t remember the night other than that- but from the bits and pieces I do remember I know the oral was great and I was soaked to the bone. I had way to much to drink and ended up passing out on him- no sex with him- no penetration for me- but maybe that’s a good thing. 

I’m waiting on Tyrone to come back to town and bang me out- maybe spank and choke me and punish me a little. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Arousing, Asshole, Dating, Dickhead, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Whatever 

So Don still messages me every few days and he messages me on Friday night like midnight ish. 

Yea you know what that means when a dude is texting you that late- he wants his dick sucked (booty call). 

He texts me he misses me

And I respond with why? 

Why would he miss me, 

he barely texts never calls me and the last time we hung out I peeped over at his phone and saw another females name in his messages- (a slutty looking female from Facebook)

I know for sure he ain’t loyal and he has girls on the side 

So why should I feel special 

So you miss me

Boo hoo 

You only miss your dick in my mouth 

Nothing else I’m sure

If u are into a female you let it be known 

You text and call her no matter what 

Even if you think she’s busy with school work and things like that

I’m sick of dudes with excuses

I want a guy to want me and not have an excuse to call me

Be better to see a missed call on my phone rather than no call at all

Guys need to work a little harder these days

And take your girl out too! 

Nothing wrong with actually going out on a real date! 

Ask the female out to a restaurant or even a movie no matter how cliche that may be

Some females would prefer that over meeting in your car to give you a bj or to do doggy in the back of a dark building

Maybe I am wrong in the fact that I allowed it to get to this point where all I do with a guy is meet up chill and fuck 

But I want more

I want to be asked out on a real date 

When you have to tell the guy you want them to take you on a date- there’s something wrong there- yea I told Don that 

Be taken out to an actual dinner 

Be treated how a woman should by a man 

And not have a million excuses to why we can’t go on a date 

Or go out at a reasonable time of day

I’m sick of just feeling like I’m the nut you are busting and that’s it

I’m worth more than that

Although at times I want to be that sex freak and sex revolves around my life- I want the sex but I also want the excitement of actual dates and going out with the guy I’m into. 

Is it too much to ask for? 

Seems like we live in a society that’s full of booty calls and no strings attached- no one wants to work to impress the opposite sex anymore.

 No one wants to actually treat a woman with respect and take them on a real life date. 

Car sex and dark alley meetings is what guys these days want and look forward to- 

but this female right here is waking up and deciding this is no longer what I want. 

I deserve more.

 I deserve better. 

Rant over 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Asshole, Dating, Friend Zoned, Online Dating, Realistic, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Friend Zoned

So I met Anthony through a mutual friend we have on Facebook. He messaged me about a response I had put on my friends page and we started to converse with each other. The conversations were pretty normal ones and he seemed harmless at first little did I know how obsessed he would get with me.

So we chat on Facebook I friend him and he starts liking all my posts and stuff like that. 

He finally has the courage to ask me on a date. 

At this point in my life I was attempting to leave black guys alone for a bit and was going to try and date white guys only even if I wasn’t attracted to them physically.

 I wanted to try and go out with someone who had a nice personality over good looks- so I said yes to the date.

So we go eat at the same restaurant bar I usually take all my new dates- the one close to my house so if I need to jet out of there I am close enough to home. 

So we eat and drink a few drinks and just talk 

We talked a lot and it was cool

He was dressed really nice and he wasn’t at all like his photo on Facebook well he seemed to have looked a bit better……

until the moment he took off his hat

Oye I wish he never took the hat off

He had the worse balding I’ve ever seen for a 33 year old man! 

Ahhh I thought to myself

And then the second thing happened which turned me off beyond compare 

He smiled and those teeth were brown and black

He must’ve been a smoker or a recent smoker 

I’ve never seen anything like it 

I’m not all about looks and I’ve been with a few ugly ones in my day but oh God this was terrible 

So we finish our date and we hug good bye

There’s no way in hell im having sex with that I thought to myself

But as I always think to myself or expect that I wouldn’t do something— I go and do the opposite 

So we continue to talk and text on the phone have a few more dates- well I called them non dates cause I don’t like labels

Labels=pressure which then I run away from. 

But anyway we go on dates and I like the attention and the money he spends on me- 

So we continue to hang out

One night he invited me out to get drinks at his house

It was cool that he had his own place

We got some food and took it back to his house along with a bottle of fireball and some beer

BIG MISTAKE! Getting the fireball- 

I ended up drinking more then I should because I kinda wanted to drink away the fact that he was ugly and that I actually was at his house alone with him. 

What had my life led me to? 

So I drank almost a whole bottle of fireball with this annoying ugly dude- (annoying because he’s obnoxiously loud and always is complaining about his dead end job that he won’t leave because I guess he loves to get treated like shit and used like a pussy) 

Anyway so I’m drunk as fuck by this point that he makes a move and kisses me

My drunk ass takes it to the point we are now naked on his couch

I wish I could burn this memory out of my mind forever but I can not do such a thing- 

my regret and disgust won’t let me forget the way his sweaty hairy fat belly looked with his stubby short hairy legs.

 Dear God as I write this I envision it and throw up in my mouth a bit- yes here goes a few chunks-

So his sweaty hairy body is now on top of me- and I see the smallest dick I’ve ever seen in my life struggling to get up- 

Omg- and not in a, I want you to fuck me now type of way. 

So before he puts his little thingy in my dry puss he goes down on me and gives me oral pleasures

Yea it was okay

Guess the oral was the only thing going for him since he’s 

fat

Ugly 

Obnoxious

Annoying

Balding

And has bad teeth

Damn I’m an asshole 

So anyway he goes down on me and he’s licks me 

It’s

Not the greatest but okay 

So I let out a few moans mostly fake moans so I can boost his ego a bit

Then that’s where it happens after the oral sex I drunk stagger to the steps and fall over with my ass facing him

That’s when he tries to doggy me on the steps

He couldn’t get his little dick inside me 

He was fidgeting and trying to put it in

I didn’t know what the fuck he was doing behind me but it took forever for him to finally be inside me and it was the lightest penetration I’ve ever felt 

I guess since it was so small I couldn’t really feel it well not from doggy anyway

So we go to the bedroom and I plop on the bed 

He wants to try again to put it in

I fake some more moans and he busts

Oh thank God it’s over with

Oh dear God why the fuck did I stoop this low

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I seriously lay there disgusted with myself for getting drunk and fucking him- 

and I tell him he needs to drive me home, I gotta go home. 

And he did so immediately. 

After that happened he kept bringing  it up and I kept telling him sorry it won’t happen again I was so drunk and shouldn’t have done that

I also lie and say I don’t even remember it- 

I tell him I’m sorry I led him on but I don’t have time to date and I’m not looking for a relationship 

I said we will be friends and that’s all I can be

All I have time for is school

In reality yea I don’t really have time to date but I’ll make time if I like the guy

He repulsed me and I couldn’t imagine having sober sex with him

Actually going out as friends annoyed the shit out of me too cause he was so loud and obnoxious everywhere we went

I continued to friend zone him 

although he kept trying to insist on a relationship 

and how he just constantly responds on Facebook to every post or photo I post with your hot or you are beautiful as always and all this other stuff 

that has me at the point where I’m like knock it off

Cause there’s a few guys I’m trying to talk to on Facebook and he’s fucking it up by his posts

He comes off as if he’s my boyfriend and he’s nothing close to that

He was a drunk mistake that I wish I could take back

I never felt so disgusted about sex with anyone in my life like I am with him. 

And it wasn’t even like it was good- I wouldn’t even call it actual penetration. 

It was like a sweaty fat sticky hairy beast on top of me just plopping in and out on me- with a small sausage link not even hitting the surface. 

That’s how I describe the terrible sex with him. 

What the fuck Sierra you will never get to that point in your life again no matter what! 

Posted in Asshole, Dating, Online Dating, Realistic, Submissive, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Vagina, pussy, penetrating

Online Dating is not for me! 

So I met Tim on a dating site-

Hey don’t judge me

It was my first time exploring dating sites and figured what the hell let me try it out

So we started talking through the site and he seemed half decent so we planned a date to meet

I chose a local restaurant bar that was in my neighborhood- so I’d be closer to home if he was a wacko 

We met at the place and we hugged at our first meeting 

We had talked on the phone previously and that helped break the ice a bit 

So when we met it wasn’t as awakward

It was like meeting a friend 

We talked a lot 

I had some food 

Had a few drinks 

Then we decided to go to the park and feed the ducks

It was nice 

A date where I didn’t put out on the first time together 

I was so proud of myself

Or maybe I didn’t put out because he really wasn’t the ideal guy or usual guy I went after

He was a tall somewhat stocky white guy

First white guy in a long time for me

So we went on a date and kept texting

He came from Jersey to visit me often and we went on quite a few dates after that

We ended up going on a road trip to Mount Joy, PA and just chilled at a B&B there. 

This was the first time we were able to hang out and possibly hook up outside of a car setting which we had previously been doing after our dinner dates

So I figured it has been about 2 months I was ready to get some penetration in my life…

I was totally wrong about that.

So we show up to the B&B and it’s awkward as hell

It’s inside a woman’s home and there were other couples there

Even a couple with their two boys

How the fuck will I fuck in this house?

 I’m too loud and everyone in this house will hear me- which would be so embarrassing.

So i tried to make some moves on Tim- but he kept swatting me away and didn’t want to fuck 

Really dude it was two months we were together that’s enough time I thought to get down

I keep attempting to get him aroused and he barely got up

Wtf was I off my game or something cause usually guys get hard and very aroused when I start playing with them

I even started sucking his average white man size cock to help persuade him that I was ready to go…… and nothing

By this point im irritated and pissed off 

So I go in the bathroom to just cool off plus I decided I was going to take a bath in the huge whirlpool tub

In the tub I fingered the shit out of myself to get me off since apparently this dude couldn’t and wouldn’t get me off

I remember I packed a naughty 2 piece lingerie set to help spice it up 

I don’t usually do the lingerie thing but for him I bought it cause I wanted to get fucked

So I put it on and it looked great on me 

There’s no way he could turn me down now

So I walk out the bathroom and he sees me he gets aroused 

but he still doesn’t want to fuck

He just goes down on me and licks my pussy 

I sorta get off cause the head was pretty good and I figured that’s the only thing I’m getting so I better enjoy that shit 

He’s down there for like 20 mins going in 

So it helped satisfy my need of some type of penetration 

The following times we go to hotels to just chill he’s the same way

He doesn’t want to have sex

He just wants to make out and go down on me or do 69 

Wtf! 

I need penetration! 

We were at the hotel and I did the same thing

I straddled him and he rose but he said he wasn’t ready to have sex yet

Maybe I’m too agressive or maybe he was a bit taken back because I did say he was the first white guy I really had so maybe he felt like he couldn’t satisfy me like black guys could but I didn’t care I just wanted him to try.,,,, but nope

I got head, some fingering which I could’ve done myself and some kissing  which was subpar 

He even had the audacity to actually lift me off of him when I tried to straddle him

By this last time I was at the point where I knew it was the end

It was weird he didn’t want to have sex

He also had some crazy fantasies he wanted to do with me which I wasn’t down for

He mentioned that it would turn him on if I peed on him 

Wtf! Dude that’s sick! 

He also liked me to belittle him, 

call him names and slap him around.

 I was intrigued and actually did a little of those things besides the peeing, but it didn’t last.

I wanted him to throw me on the bed and ravage me like a beast but he wanted to be the one who was ravaged- 

so we didn’t have the same sexual chemistry or desires

I ended up breaking it off with him and telling him to have a good life

I wasn’t the girl for him.