Posted in Advice needed, Army, Arousing, Dating, erotica, Friends with benefits, Friendship, Life lessons, Love, Military, Missing him, Orgasms, Rant, Realistic, Revelation, Sex, Single, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Bill yummy 

So Bill yum is still in the picture and he’s my random dating guy- fuck me good- long distance lover guy- he’s still living far away from me and he rarely comes to philly to see me other than when he’s up here for Army weekends.

 He messaged me today and sent me the most arousing sexy photo of himself in a towel that was half covering his body and covered up his male part. 

Oh my lawd it caught me off guard and I was smiling and grinning from ear to ear also blushing. I text him back and tell him how fucking sexy he looks. He says he doesn’t believe me and doesn’t think he’s sexy. Yea right how’s he not know? I wondered to myself. 

So anyway we are supposed to hang out sometime this month I think around St.Pattys day and im looking forward to it-

 I’d really like to spend the night At his house again but not sure when I’d be back up that way- if at all any time soon. 

I know it’s not gonna go anywhere with Bill yum but I guess I’m clinging on to the past- 

idk maybe hoping for a future but not sure what the future holds if there is one for us. 

These long distance things are the most difficult- I feel like even being like 30 mins away from someone is difficult cause you don’t know what they could be doing or who they are seeing. Take the situation with Don- he lives in a different neighborhood then me and I always felt like what is he doing or who is he seeing from the distance between us). 

Or maybe that’s where my trust issues come into play and I just am on guard that any guy I am with is out to lie and cheat on me, so trust is hard for me to have. 

When I think of an ideal boyfriend for me, he’d live in the same city and at least the same neighborhood just so maybe it would put my mind at ease a bit on the whole cheating thing-

 but when you think about it if a guys gonna cheat- he will no matter how close or far he lives from you. 
Just a rant of thoughts. 

Thanks for listening. 

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Posted in Advice needed, Bye Bitch, Control freak, Counseling, Dating, Friend Zoned, Friends with benefits, Friendship, Help, Help wanted, Judgement, Knowledge, Life lessons, New relationship, Rant, Realistic, Revelation, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

New guy

So I like the idea of having a new guy in my life and I am enjoying the feelings I get when I start talking and getting to know someone new. 

But do any of you ladies or gents, feel like you should keep the way you might feel about the new guy/girl to yourself, in case they turn out to be the opposite of what you hoped they’d be? 
So I’m asking this because the other day in a group text with my sister and gal pal, I am explaining to them about the new guy and how he seems nice and genuinely like a good guy. I go on and tell them all these good things about him and how he does this or that or how he wants to take me here or there. But I wonder in the back of my mind how truthful he’s being. I am on guard that these things he says aren’t truthful and I’m on guard for him to just see me once and not continue. 
Does anyone else fear or worry that the new guy or person they are interested in seeing will flip the switch and be someone totally different? 
I told my sister That whenever I tell people about a guy- the next week or so later I’m out of liking the person or trying with them due to something they did to not make me interested anymore. 

So wondering if this always happens, if I’m not the only one dealing with a scenario like this. 

Comment please if you ever dealt with anything in this blog, so I know I’m not alone in this. 

Posted in Advice needed, Army, Bye Bitch, Dating, Friends with benefits, Friendship, Help, Help wanted, Jerk, Life lessons, Loss, Military, Pros vs. Cons, Rant, Realistic, Revelation, Sex, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized, Users

Pros vs. Cons

Pros vs. Cons of continuing dating/seeing Bill Yum:

Pros

Big dick

Great sex

Makes me oragsm- a lot! 

Makes my body feel good. 

Makes good moon shine 
Cons

Cheap

May be dating/fucking a lot more girls then he says

Lies

Doesn’t make time to see me

I’m always planning to go see him

Doesn’t make any effort

Dresses bad

Dry/boring personality 

Doesn’t talk about anything besides the military and his 3 jobs that I don’t care about

Every conversation is the same

Doesn’t actually take me out anywhere 

Just seems like I’m the occasional hookup 

Doesn’t text/call me first. 

I feel like I’m the only one trying to make it work. Whatever this is 
As I list these pros and cons I see the only pros are the fact that he pleases my body- my pussy and that’s all. Yea making my pussy feel amazing is great and all- but I want more substance. Not being able to converse with someone isn’t a good sign or any kind of friendship or relationship. I know what I must do now. Leave him in my past- where he should’ve stayed. I don’t trust him enough to believe that he’s only fucking me like he claims! So bill yum will just be a name in my past. I’m ready to get on to bigger and better guys who treat me with respect, who want to call me on the phone, who want to spend time with me and who makes the effort to come to my city to see me. 
What do you guys think of this list? How would you react? 

Posted in Advice needed, Counseling, Dating, Friend Zoned, Friendship, Help, Life lessons, Military, Rant, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Just a friend

So it’s been a couple months since I talked to Tyrone. He called me today and it was like we didn’t miss out on the last two months seeing each other. We talked for hours about a lot of things, life, school, his new business venture which is taking off for him and the military. Everything was cool when we talked and I enjoy talking to him. He helped me out a lot and helped me with a few things I never even knew before about myself. I feel like he is a great friend to keep in my life. Out of all the guy friends I had he’s the only one left I kept around that I know he respects me enough not to pressure me about the sex thing or he won’t give in to me if I feel like I need to fuck him- and I lose control- he won’t let me go off my path and self destruct. He seems to legitimately care about me. Well he did say I’m a splendid person- hey there’s a first for everything. 

I like him. 

I really like him. And I know he’d be good for me and good to me. 

But like i said in posts before we are both at times in our life where we are bettering ourselves and working hard to get where we want to be with our career and lives. 

So after we talked on the phone and his conversation gave me some courage to talk to the other guy tank- ( I was supposed to go out on a date with in a previous post), I talked to Tank- I’ve been too nervous and blowing him off the last couple months, and sticking only to texting so I could avoid my nerves kicking in or me saying something dumb. We talked for hours and he seems like a nice guy. I agreed to go out with him when he comes in town and we plan to talk on the phone more often and go out. 

So I call Tyrone back and since we are just friends- I tell him about tank. Then we get into a conversation that somehow turned to Tyrone talking about me and him as a couple. I went on a rant how he didn’t want a relationship and I want to date him… and then he gave me some spiel about how we couldn’t cause he’s too self destructive and somehow it won’t work. Well for a brief moment I had hope that I could be with him. And then it quickly got torn down. He said he wants a female to make herself seem to him. Wtf does that mean? I don’t wanna work for it. Or should I have to? I do like him and want to get to know him more. But is it too late since we already had sex and I have it away too quickly? Idk. I don’t know how I should approach this situation. Was it his clues for me to make it known of my feelings for him? Or was it a hint just telling me if I want him I should work so he sees me more. And he says females are the emotional complicated ones. 

Mind is blown. 

Like always when talking to him

Oh well I just figure I am gaining a good friend in this if all else fails. 

God placed him in my life for a reason and I am grateful 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Asshole, Bye Bitch, Counseling, Divorce, Help wanted, Life lessons, Marriage, Military, Rant, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Final divorce notice 

Yay I received the email from my lawyer I have been waiting on for the last 4 years now. My ex signed the documents finally and on December 29th he will receive the final notice to divorce documents. 

Yay i am so happy 

I can finally be free from his control 

And start living my life

So here’s the tricky part in this situation though… so I’ve been hiding behind the fact that I’m not divorced to start a real relationship with a guy I like and now the divorce is almost here and in actually scared to death that now I’m expected to just be okay and normal to jump all in. 

Honestly I think I have some commitment issues that I need to sort out in therapy and need more time on this even though the divorce is now literally around the corner. 

I don’t know what I should do

If I should just say fuck it and try a relationship I don’t think I’m ready for or wait till I get more help on this matter.

Wondering if my mind actually overcomplicates things and blows them way out of proportion. Maybe I should take it one day at a time as I always do with my Life and see where it goes. 

I’m just so happy that the final divorce decree will be in my hand soon. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Army, Asshole, Bye Bitch, Control freak, Dating, Dickhead, Help, Help wanted, Jerk, Judgement, Life lessons, Military, Narcissistic, Rant, Realistic, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Confusion

So why is it that I don’t know what I want? 

It’s a constant battle with me

One minute I want to be in a relationship 

And the next I can’t stand guys and just want to use them for sex

Wondering if other women go through this constant battle like I do

It seems like I’m pushing away any guy who is trying to get close to me

Well here’s a new scenario 

So hot army veteran asks me out yet again at my job

I still was holding on to the fact that he rubbed me the wrong way the first time and rejected me…. 

so I did just that to him when he approached me:

He Walks up to me and asks me what my plans are for the weekend 

I reply with sweat pants and Netflix. 

Which to me is a great night! I love feeling comfortable in bed and I love to watch movies… this was my laSt weekend before classes start up again- so I wanted to enjoy it! 

He says do you wanna go see a movie with me

My reply what movie? Like any normal person would ask cause I won’t see just any movie

Then he gets all rude and upset due to my question and walks off 

After my response of I’ll let you know 

He sends me a long ass text ranting about how he’s not desperate and doesn’t need to go out with me. Then he rants about why I’m asking what movie?!! Dude really? I texted back it ain’t that serious and honestly I don’t think it’ll work us going out by the way his personality is so different then mine. 

This dude got mad at me over asking what movie he wanted to see. Go fuck yourself is what I wanted to say but I was nice about it- like I usually am to asshole guys. I exited that situation before it became a problem. He seems to have anger/control issues he needs to sort out on his own. And if he is in fact single like he says….. I now understand why- he’s a total douche bag! 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

And it’s not even like he’s that good looking. Bye Bitch! 

Then there’s this second scenario with Don- yea Don still texts me and has been reaching out to me through social media once I went ghost on him for about a few weeks- ghost meaning I stopped texting him and contacting him all together. 

So Don texts me and asked about the weekend- I guess I had made plans to meet up with him but had totally forgotten about it. Saturday comes and he’s nonstop texting me. When are we linking up- I miss you- I wanna see you- 

The last conversation we had was me telling him that if we remain friends- no sex is involved because I’m working on me- and he said okay. But I know once I see him I’ll give in somehow and I’ll end up sucking his dick/ which to me is getting on my nerves… I would like it better if I got something in return but he seems very selfish and greedy about that. And hasn’t kicked my pussy not once the whole two years I’ve known him so it won’t happen! Anyway off topic.. so he is constantly texting me and I say I’m at a party- which I was but it didn’t last as long as I was portraying it to be. We were just texting so how would he know if I was still at the party or not. Guess texting has its pluses! So he sends another text around 7pm and asks how’s the party. I look at the text and lay back in bed in my sweats with my Gilmore Girls marathon on. If I don’t want to go out with a guy and I’d rather sit in and watch a hundred episodes of Gilmore Girls- I obviously don’t want to be with the guy. I told Don multiple times it’s not gonna work between us- but he keeps pushing it so is that my fault?? Why do guys get so hung up on females? I know he said I give the best oral sex but that can’t be the reason, or can it? I don’t know I’m just getting to the point where these dudes are irritating me. I’m contemplating switching teams for a bit and maybe having my first  girl on girl experience. I don’t know, I don’t think women would be any different then men- my lesbian friend told me it’s not different at all other than the fact of the body parts are different. You still have females who are controlling and narcissistic, and who are players and not faithful to the one they are with. 

So as I go along this journey I wonder if I will continue down this path of leaving these fuck boi guys alone and maybe dive into some pussy- ( no wait I would never do that! I love dick too much- I’ll have a pussy dive down on me! ) or just stay on this dry road of nothingness and just prepare for these sex toys to come so I can cum all alone by myself watching some pornhub. I can live my fantasies through the pornhub videos and go to other places with my vibrators. I won’t have to deal with an annoying guy giving me shit or feeling like they used me or having to suck their dick without anything in return. 

I like the sound of that. I will be doing that until I see my boo boo Monster in a week! I plan to have my pussy destroyed by him- which I know it will be because of his size and because of how long it’s been since I’ve had any penetration. 

Getting aroused thinking about it. 

What do you, my readers think about my scenarios I just shared? 

Maybe I’m just fed up with guys treating me like shit so I push them away! Maybe I’m finally growing in that area and seeing the red flags beforehand. Please leave some comments to this. 

Posted in Addiction, sexaddict, Advice needed, Counseling, Dating, Rant, True life, real, me,, Uncategorized

Weird dreams

So I had two weird dreams back to back and had found myself dreaming about these two persons a lot lately 

So the first one Monster was in it and we were getting down and dirty

He was fucking me raw and I was loving every second of it

Then my second dream was the total opposite 

My first love Leon was in it

And he looked as amazing as he ever did and in the dream we were dating and together still

Makes me wonder if he was my one I was supposed to have but you know the story from my previous post- i fucked it up with him-

Then I married a guy I didn’t love to have a baby that I wanted so much 

And now I have this beautiful baby girl to care for and love forever 

So I often wonder if we are meant to be with someone- and we push that someone away or fuck it up do they get replaced with another “one” for us? 

I texted Leon the other day- yea we text here and there and had texted on and off since he last saw me about 3 years ago

I asked him how he was and mentioned the dream I had 

But it was just that 

Nothing further 

Nothing more

Why would it be more 

If there was a chance for us again I guess one day it would happen but I really don’t know if I’d go down that road again

I know he’s a great guy 

One of the good ones

But I don’t like the kind of relationship he has with his mom 

So that will stay in the past

I just was wondering if we get other ones in place for the ones we thought we missed out on 

I hope there’s a chance at another one down the road

As much as I love sex

I don’t find actual fulfillment in it emotionally

It’s like I’m a robot to the act

The act is just an act 

No emotion

No feeling 

As much as I feel like I’m an addict I’m not even sure anymore as to wether I like sex as much as I have it

It’s like what the hell 

Nothing better to do 

Fuck it I’m fucked up

And can’t have a normal relationship with a decent guy so let’s just fuck

Idk maybe I’m getting close to the time of the month where I get extra emotional and feely so I’m ranting on 

But there has to be more than this.

There has to be more for me

I’m a nice woman with a lot to offer 

I guess I need to start realizing that 

I eventually do want a real relationship and a real man in my life and be happy with a man to call my own. 

I just have to figure out how to change my thought patterns on sex and hold off 

Wish me luck guys