So I’m a bit torn about what to do about the guys who are in my life currently. Well I’ve been texting and talking to Tank on the phone for a few weeks now and it seems like he’s a cool guy and it might go somewhere with him, I’m not 100% sure due to the fact he lives so far away- and I know how my first long distance thing went.

 And here is Bill-Yum he texted me the other day, saying where have you been stranger, and wanted to know why I haven’t kept in touch with him since we hung out a week or so ago. 

Don has been texting me also and wants to spend time with me…. but honestly I think I should be over him. For the fact I don’t trust him and what he may be doing with other females and I think he’s back to dealing drugs, which I can’t involve myself with since I am pursuing my dreams of becoming a social worker who wants to work wirh military members with PTSD-

Yes I had a revelation all while my love life and relationships have been a mess.. I’ve been nonstop focused on my career path and come to the realization that I want to work in group therapy with service members with PTSD and other combat related stress disorders. I want to help them change themselves and help them find healthy ways to cope with the horrors that they have witnessed. 

So as I go through this constant battle of who I want to keep in my life romantically- I have been driven to stay focused on my career and have been learning more about myself and how to become the best social worker possible. 

Anyway off topic just wanted to share my revelation. 

So my ordeal is the fact that I am talking to both Bill-yum and Tank and I’m feeling guilty like I shouldn’t although it’s not official with either one yet. 

Back in the day – I was a huge player and didn’t mind having a few dudes lined up, but now I feel funny about it. I mean why should I? Bill yum told me he was seeing “one” other female besides me and he is a long distance every once in a couple months type thing. And Tank said he’s single, is really into me, but we are still at the beginning stages so I don’t know if I trust him yet or believe that he is single and telling me the truth. 

He also lives so many miles away so if he was to cheat or have multiple girlfriends- I wouldn’t know anyway because of the distance between us. 

Wondering if it’s all in my head, this guy drama I am constantly dealing with. 

I wonder what I do that has me stuck in this loop of failed relationships, failed attempts at relationships and getting stuck in friends with benefit situations.

 I wonder why at almost 34 years old- now divorced it’s so difficult for me to actually date a guy. 

I feel out of place, I am clueless as to what to do, what to say, what to ask to get to know someone else on that level. 

Why is it so difficult for me to start over? When I have been ready or so I think for the last 5 years? Wondering if my addiction just hid the reality of maybe I’m just not emotionally capable or ready for long term with a guy. 

I know initially this post was about the guys involved in my life right now but I’m at war with myself/ as always and I wonder what i am doing wrong when I can’t have long term relationships with Guys- when I know tons of females who meet a guy, go through the stages of dating and are now in healthy long term commitments with them. Wondering what I Ain’t doing right to lead me to that point of Hey mom here’s, Jamal or Tyrone, or whoever. 

*rant over* 

Thanks for listening and following.