So I had two weird dreams back to back and had found myself dreaming about these two persons a lot lately 

So the first one Monster was in it and we were getting down and dirty

He was fucking me raw and I was loving every second of it

Then my second dream was the total opposite 

My first love Leon was in it

And he looked as amazing as he ever did and in the dream we were dating and together still

Makes me wonder if he was my one I was supposed to have but you know the story from my previous post- i fucked it up with him-

Then I married a guy I didn’t love to have a baby that I wanted so much 

And now I have this beautiful baby girl to care for and love forever 

So I often wonder if we are meant to be with someone- and we push that someone away or fuck it up do they get replaced with another “one” for us? 

I texted Leon the other day- yea we text here and there and had texted on and off since he last saw me about 3 years ago

I asked him how he was and mentioned the dream I had 

But it was just that 

Nothing further 

Nothing more

Why would it be more 

If there was a chance for us again I guess one day it would happen but I really don’t know if I’d go down that road again

I know he’s a great guy 

One of the good ones

But I don’t like the kind of relationship he has with his mom 

So that will stay in the past

I just was wondering if we get other ones in place for the ones we thought we missed out on 

I hope there’s a chance at another one down the road

As much as I love sex

I don’t find actual fulfillment in it emotionally

It’s like I’m a robot to the act

The act is just an act 

No emotion

No feeling 

As much as I feel like I’m an addict I’m not even sure anymore as to wether I like sex as much as I have it

It’s like what the hell 

Nothing better to do 

Fuck it I’m fucked up

And can’t have a normal relationship with a decent guy so let’s just fuck

Idk maybe I’m getting close to the time of the month where I get extra emotional and feely so I’m ranting on 

But there has to be more than this.

There has to be more for me

I’m a nice woman with a lot to offer 

I guess I need to start realizing that 

I eventually do want a real relationship and a real man in my life and be happy with a man to call my own. 

I just have to figure out how to change my thought patterns on sex and hold off 

Wish me luck guys