So I decided I will delete the old numbers of the guys in my life that have no real substance or positive impact on my life…. that’s including Don and even Monster who I rarely see anyway. 

I will miss the Monster cock that he provided with his sexy smile and as for Don I’ll miss the conversation but that’s about it. 

Debating about Tyrone although I feel like Tyrone would be an occasional sex partner as he had been those two times in my past. The sex was incredible with him but he taught me some things About myself that I didn’t even know and I thank him for that. I guess with each new guy you learn something about them/and guys in general as well as learning something about yourself.

I deserve to be happy with one guy and one guy only and on this path of recovery I think it would be easier to achieving a sense of normalcy if I am to either stay to myself and try the life of celibacy or at least stay true to one guy. 
So I’m hoping things do well with the hot army vet and I can just be with him and he could satisfy my needs and wants especially in that department- my sexual needs. 
Sitting around with friends today we share stories of sex and what we thought were naughty and I think to myself how lucky people are to have a special someone in their lives and as much as I enjoy my singledom and being able to fuck him or him- 
I still feel a sense of loss like something or someone is missing from my life
This indecisiveness is crippling to me as to whether I want to be alone or be with another person and just let my walls come down to be willing to be with them
I want to jump all in with a guy and maybe it will be the hot army vet which I found out his name finally Which is Enrique. 

Or maybe just at least give him a chance and see where it goes. 

He could definitely be someone different than the usual jerks I have dealt with in the past.

Who are out for one thing and one thing only 

And he could make me want to change and just want to be with him and get to know him

I wanna take this step and see how things pan out

So I am planning an official counseling session Monday so that’ll be the start of my recovery and I’m hoping I can get some answers as to why I feel this need to control guys- use them before they use me- which seems to be my logo and mentality when messing with these guys who aren’t even dating worthy. 

It’s going to be hard but i need to do this for me and for a chance to have real love ❤️ 

So it’s going to be either celibacy or control of this disorder and I will commit myself to only one person who means more to me than anyone. I will commit to myself and better who I am so I can be open to love and not always feel these thoughts of lustfulness and Sex.