His name was Leon, we met when I was just 16- my brothers friend. He was so cute, and nice, but I was too shy to make a move so I let him slip away. We ended up first talking about dating each other when I was 19 yrs old. He was still that amazing guy that he was when I first was crushing on him when I was that nerdy shy girl, afraid of my own shadow. He was my tall dark and handsome guy. We were friends then became best friends and then lovers. At the time I’d do anything for him. He was the guy I wanted to have kids with and marry, and live a long happy life with. Doesn’t really turn out that way though when you are young and in love, things get complicated, you start to lose feelings. The person you are with starts to get annoying to you with anything and everything they do. The arguments start over little things, or no arguments or talking happens and everything seems perfect, when on the inside it’s really falling apart.
We had a good run me and him, we went about 7 years together. The first 3 years were amazing, we were madly in love with each other, the last 4 year’s, not so great. I guess we both grew apart, and started to do our own thing. I joined the military and moved on to other guys who caught my eye. I had goals, and dreams. The marriage proposal I had always wanted was pushed on the back burner. I was ready to explore and see what other guys were out there and test out my other options. He seemed to want to stay in the same place in life and was a bit of a mamas boy, never leaving her side. Every week she had a new illness which stopped him from growing and spreading his wings to fly. Maybe I am a heartless bitch or selfish, but I needed and wanted more. I wanted more then what he could give me. I loved him so much, but the relationship he had with his mom was too much for me. In my head it was either her or me, and he chose her every time. So the love I once had for him drifted away. We then became friends and not really lovers or two people who were in a relationship. He would choose video games over sex sometimes when I tried to initiate it and I’d be like what the fuck dude really? I was getting sick of being pushed to the side. I wanted more then a little boy to date. Like who wouldn’t choose sex over video games, maybe it’s a guy thing, but video games after 27yrs old…..doesn’t sound right to me, you’re too old to play games. So I went away to basic training knowing we weren’t on the greatest terms, and the time away made me open my eyes and stray as a girlfriend and I ended up doing him wrong.  Two months away at my training to be a military cook, I had a fling with a guy there. I caught feelings for him but knew it was wrong, when I had this great guy with a few flaws waiting back home. He was a great guy. He was loving, and loyal and funny, all which I love in a guy, but he needed an extra push when it came to life goals and going for that job that he wanted. He needed his hand held at times when you thought were easy to do, but I guess his mom never let him go far enough to learn that easy stuff on his own. He treated me well, and bent over backwards to make me happy. I remember the sweetest thing he ever did for me was waiting five hours in the rain to get me Britney Spears tickets at the record store, that used to be called The Wall. Another thing I would never forget is when he surprised me with flowers at my job, no guy after that ever did any of that stuff for me. I miss having a guy like that so much these days. I’d be happy if the guy just pays for the date, and opens the door for me. I loved how romantic he was, but it irked me that he didn’t show any reaction to me telling him I cheated on him. And the fact that I cheated on him with two guys when I was away, not just one. I waited for a reaction. Call me a slut, tell me you hate me, give me something, but no I got I Love You, we will work through this. I was  like really wow, that’s it, that’s your reaction. to all I said. His words and why he didn’t get upset or seem to care, just made me want to go out and do it more (cheat) I mean. Since he didn’t care either way, wwhat the he’ll,  let me goand do it…. and that’s what I did. I started having side dudes, while benefiting from what emotional pleasure he gave me. I went elsewhere for my sexual needs. It went on for about a year until I had to stop playing the game and just let it go, cut him off completely. I had to woman up and let him go, not destroy him totally, ince he was once my first love. So we parted ways, and I ended up a couple years later marrying a guy I never really loved that abused me physically and mentally for a year and a half or so. So I left this great guy with all these small flaws that we could’ve worked on together  for a life of sadness, depression and suicidal thoughts.
I have since left my husband and the abusive relationship, and had a beautiful daughter that I will never trade for anyone else in the world. Although I regret not trying more to stay with my first love since he treated me so well, I know I was meant to go through the abusive marriage to build me up as a woman and make me stronger. I was meant to have my daughter in my life and wouldn’t wish my life to be any other way. I sometimes miss my first love, but I am thankful for our time together, and grateful that I have seen real love at some time in my life. The dating world is hard for me now because I have been hurt in the past and am on guard waiting for the next guy to do me wrong. I will continue to try this dating thing although I really feel like there’s no hope left, guys aren’t. chivalrous and romantic like my first love, and everyone since him doesn’t come close with a lot of things. We still text here and there, and a year ago he met my daughter for the first time. When he met her I got this empty feeling. in my gut as if I know I should’ve been holding our kid that we were supposed to plan and have together, but I know I wouldn’t ever have my daughter, it would be another kid, and I couldn’t live without my daughter, she makes me fight, she builds me up, she has helped me through so much in my life. I know I had memories of what a perfect life we would’ve. had together, but that sailed away when we parted ways. I even thought about trying to rekindle our feelings for each other, years later… but I know I would be back into the headache of him choosing “mother” over me, and I want to be someone’s first choice. I don’t want to fight for someone’s time and attention, especially when his mother still has a grip on him… now being 34 years old. I’ll keep our relationship strictly as texting buddies and that’s all it will ever be.

Lessons to myself on dating……