So was having girl talk with my sister in law as I often do and the talk about having another baby comes up. I tell her my experience with my pregnancy was so terrible it mentally scarred me for any possible future babies, so children is not a thing for me to have.

To rehatch my feelings about that time when I was pregnant I recall being told to was hated by a man I thought I loved. The man I snuck and married without telling my family-( I’ll get to that bull shit later).

I got held down at 7 mths preggo and slapped in the face. I got sat on and held down by him and felt nothing but pure hatred all the while mentally fucking me up and brainwashing me. The scene after having my daughter via c-section was a scene out of the 1990’s movie with Jennifer Lopez- Enough. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter and right after I don’t get a single word of praise or encouragement like you did it babe or she looks beautiful, no kiss on the forehead or hand held, after I just got cut open to take out daughter out. Instead I didn’t get a chance to hold our daughter after the birth he was holding her and didn’t want me to touch her. I wasn’t allowed to have family come visit me and had to sneak them in the hospital once he left to go back to work. It was a nightmare. I removed my dad and mom came to see how to was and see my daughter, baring gifts and smiles and he was out of the room- he came back in and everything got uncomfortable and awkward since I wasn’t allowed to have them there. My own parents, my parents who have my heart, I had to thank them for coming and my dad had a split second to see my daughter because my soon to be ex husband thank god now) didn’t like my family and he was controlling me and taking me away from them. So I had a terrible feeling in my gut as we are headed out the door and I can still picture my parents faces- sadness for both not seeing the baby and for me having to deal with this so called man who had control over me. I remember being pregnant and having suicidal thoughts. Many times arguing in the car with him I pictured grabbing the steering wheel and just crashing to get free from him and the control/abuse the hold he had over me. I was so different with him. I pushed friends and family  away to be with him. He made me feel isolated and put negative thoughts in my head. I had the marriage from hell- thank God it only lasted a year- and a pregnancy from hell.

I see how normal couples have babies and how they interact and it’s like a dream or fairy tale story to me. Maybe they had goo experiences because they actually loved the person they were with and weren’t dealing with abuse- whatever it is I wish o could of had that instead of the hell I had. The feelings alone of guilt stay with me and I can still picture my parents face and the scene plays in my head of them walking in with a pretty ceramic bear on top of a train with candies and a balloon in it with a card. My heart breaks even after 4 years as I think about that scene in my mind. I wish I knew then what I know now. Not to stay in an abusive relationship where I wasn’t completely happy. Wanting to kill yourself, your unborn baby and your husband in the car isn’t normal thoughts to have. I was depressed and it showed.

I grew strong and put my daughters life before me- so I left his ass and never looked back.

Now I know how it feels to be in a love less marriage with someone who doesn’t care about you and who wants control over you.

Rehatch- no good feelings about my pregnancy which I don’t think I’d ever recover fully from.